


A Flame For A Cabbage

by TalesOfOnyxBats



Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Role Reversal, Breaking the Fourth Wall, Gen, Memes, Romance, complete chaos, dimensional fuckery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-06
Updated: 2020-03-26
Packaged: 2021-02-27 03:27:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 36,461
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22140280
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TalesOfOnyxBats/pseuds/TalesOfOnyxBats
Summary: The world is at war, it has been for a hundred years or so. The tribes have fallen and the Earth Kingdom is next. In the midst of a war, an ambitious merchant simply tries to sell cabbages. Azula-Cabbage Man Role swap AU
Comments: 37
Kudos: 70





	1. A Bright Day

The sky hanging above the wall is an incredible sight, a canvas of orange with splashes of pinks and golds. It is a fine opening to what may very well be a final day. In her travels, Azula has heard tell of it. Of a device that set to breech Ba Sing Se’s walls. Even still, she has a job to do. She isn’t particularly worried about trifles outside of the wall. She fashions her hair into a scraggly topknot--she can never seem to tame her locks--and slips into her day clothing. 

She doesn’t have much in way of possessions just a small cabbage stall--already twice destroyed by the Avatar and his companions--and the essentials, a few changes of clothes, a makeshift comb, a waterskin, a few pairs of shoes, and some kitchenware and gardening tools. She puts on her conical hat and heads out and into the streets. 

She can hear the rumbles even from this distance and considers that maybe it is a horrid idea to find herself outside. But then, maybe she can sell a few doomsday cabbages. She pushes a cart full of them into the center of the market square. 

The square is bustling and jovial. Azula can’t help but be intrigued, it perplexes her how they can be so happy with their sanctuary seconds away from a breech. A woman passes by her stall. “Would you like to buy a cabbage?” She asks. “It may be your last chance to buy one, now that the war has reached Ba Sing Se.”

“Excuse me?” The woman tilts her head. 

Azula conceals an exasperated sigh. “The city is going to fall and we are all going to die today. I recommend buying a cabbage as your last meal.”

The woman gulps and walks away. A rather brisk and hustled walk. Azula pouts to herself, she never has been particularly great with people. Not friendly conversation anyhow. She wonders if she may have come on too strong. She approaches the next passerby differently, “would you be interested in a doom’s day cabbage?”

“Doom’s day?” The man asks. 

“Yes. Doom’s day.” 

“What do you mean?”

Azula blinks, “I mean that the wall is about to be breeched so I am offering you a good quality final meal.” She pauses, looking at the tray of food that he is already holding. “Rather something to enrich the one you already have.”

The man seems to consider for a moment and Azula dares to get her hopes up. She thinks that today will be her lucky day. With the Avatar and his friends preoccupied with the wall, there is no one to make a mess of things. The man pats his pockets. “I think that I just spent the last of my money on this.” He motions to his meal. 

Azula nods. “You should make better spending choices in the future. Good day.” 

The man frowns and makes his way away from her stall. She is almost certain that she has offended him somehow, but she opts to pretend that he had simply been mournful of his lost opportunity. 

She greets a second man and offers him a cabbage. 

“Maybe tomorrow.” The man smiles. 

“But there will not be a tomorrow.” Azula insists. 

He halts in his tracks. “Why wouldn’t there be a tomorrow.”

Azula founds herself staring in bemusement again. Could it be that they really don’t know about the drill. That they are absolutely oblivious to what transpires just on the other side of their walls? Azula parts her lips. “There’s a drill.”

“A drill?”

She nods. “It is Fire Nation. They are going to breach the outer wall very soon.” 

The man gives an uneasy chuckle and shifts his weight from one leg to the other. He mumbles something before taking off much like the first woman. Azula sighs. She wonders if the Earth King knows about this, perhaps word has not reached him yet. Mayhaps it is she who should bring it to his attention. Her expression dims, who is she kidding? She can’t even sell a single cabbage much less be able to deliver profound information to the king himself.

She re-adjusts her hat and decides to herself that if she can sell just one cabbage, she will bring her news to the Earth King. She tries to draw consumers in but she doesn’t have the spunk nor vigor that the woman running the meat cart does. And she doesn’t have that suave and slick voice that the man running the jewelry stand boasts. She certainly doesn’t have the perky, cheeriness of the brother-sister botanist duo. 

She is just Azula. 

She supposes that her voice is pleasant enough and that her appearance is at least somewhat charming. But the baggy cotton pants and shirt she wears do her no favors. She is exceptionally average in those regards. But she has a sharp mind and she is something of a prodigy. She knows so, her father has said as much. Even if he hadn’t, she hasn’t seen anyone grow a cabbage as fast or as large as the ones she grows. The sheer amount of them is impressive if she must say.

She decides that she is wasting her talents on people who can’t recognize her talents. If she wants to do this, if she wants success--and she will have it one way or another--she will need to be bolder. 

She looks towards the sky; it is clear and blue. Early afternoon. She still has much of her day to accomplish what needs accomplishing. 

**.oOo.**

“This drill is a feat of scientific ingenuity and raw destructive power. Once it tunnels through the wall, our troops will storm their city. The Earth Kingdom will finally fall, and you can claim Ba Sing Se in the name of Fire Lord Ozai. Nothing can stop us.” Vows Qin.

Tylee taps her chin, “hmmm, what about those muscley guys down there?” Once quick glance into the drill’s binoculars reveals a team of well chiseled men. They slam rocks up against the drill’s framework. 

Sie listens intently to the conversation, wondering just were his life has gone wrong. He doesn’t wonder for too long, he thinks that he can pinpoint the exact moment when things had taken such a stark turn. 

Qin flashes a confident and boastful smile. “Please! The drill's metal shell is impervious to any earthbending attack.”

But that doesn’t alleviate the queasiness in Sie’s stomach.“Oh, I sure hope it is, War Minister Qin…” He trails off, he knows how these things usually go after a healthy amount of experience. “...but just to be on the safe side.” He looks to Mai and TyLee. “We should probably take care of that.” He cringes to himself as another rock collides with the drill. 

Twirling knife around her finger, Mai remarks, “Finally.”

Sie winces to himself, he hates when she does that. One of these days she is going to take someone’s eye out. 

“Something to do.” Her words are punctuated by a clunk and a shout. There it is. The moment he had dreaded. Mai apologizes less than half-heartedly. 

**.oOo.**

There, that should do, Azula thinks to herself. She knows that her task is no longer going to be easy. She is well aware that she has maneuvered herself right into the general vicinity of the Avatar himself. But she is a girl of goals and plenty of determination.

“Excuse me! You can’t be out here right now!” Calls the general. 

“I can be! And I will be! Maybe you don’t have the nerve to come down here and do what is necessary, but I do. I’m  _ stronger  _ than you.” Is what Azula would have declared had she heard the man over the sound of whirring mechanics and rebounding rocks. Instead she continues arranging her stall as though he hadn’t spoken at all. Because, as far as she is concerned, he hasn’t. And really, if a plea falls on def ears, has a plea really been made at all? Azula doesn’t ask herself this question because she has no reason to. 

Instead she taps one of the earth warriors on the shoulder. “Would you like to buy a cabbage. Battles are exhausting, you will have an advantage if you aren’t fighting hungry.”

“WHAT?” The man hollers over the noise of the drill. 

“These cabbages will help you prevent the apocalypse.” Azula speaks with more volume.

“WHAT!?” He repeats again. 

She flinches as the man drops to the ground. The man’s attacker waves before cartwheeling over to the next. Azula narrows her eyes, to think she had a sturdy sales pitch going for her too. 

**.oOo.**

Sie is growing more and more anxious. Mai and TyLee have returned and the earthbenders have been dealt with. But he knows that there will be more of them. He just knows it. He is also well aware of just how much trouble the Avatar can cause after having run into him in Omashu. But where is he? Where. 

A horrid noise violates his ears. “Congratulations, crew. The drill has made contact with the wall of Ba Sing Se, start the countdown to victory.” 

So why is it that he begins counting down to their defeat. It might be that he knows deep down that the protagonists always win. That those are the rules and he can deny them no more than he can deny the knife-related background death of one of the drill staff. His corpse has already been drawn out of the frame (blood and all) with no trace of it ever having been there. But with no place for it to have been reasonably moved to. 

He decides that it is also worth noting that a cabbage stall has been erected just outside of the wall. He wonders what kind of ploy this may be.

“War Minister, an engineer was ambushed! His schematics were stolen!” Declares one of the personal, confirming his suspicions about that damn cabbage stand. 

“Titans, go!” He coughs, “Sorry, I mean, let’s go ladies.” Whatever that cabbage merchant has planned, he won’t let it succeed. Too much is at stake here. His nation is depending on him and the Fire Lord, his father, has set expectations high. He dreads to think of what could happen if he comes home without victory. He can’t allow himself to end up like his banished and scarred brother. 

**.oOo.**

She watches them fall left and right, her potential customers drop like flies. The worst of it is that they actually seem interested in buying cabbages off of her. The problem is that by the time she has successfully communicated over the drill’s volume, they only have time to smile and say, “yeah, I’d like one” before a Fire Nation soldier intervenes. 

Feeling utterly defeated and rather useless, she makes her way to the infirmary. The least she can do is offer them a free cabbage for their troubles. She has an excess of them and she decides that it wouldn’t pay to waste a perfectly good cabbage. 

With a pang in her heart, she gathers a few of them into her arms and wanders back within the wall. This, of course, would have been a pristine opportunity for Sie to make a move but he has already opted to go after the ambushers. So, as most mishaps accidentally are, Azula blissfully avoided her own.

For some reason she ponders what everyone used to say of her; that she was born lucky. 

The sky is still blue and the temperature is pleasantly warm. Several of the soldiers take comfort in her cabbages. She supposes that, that is what matters; that people know the value of tedious and painstakingly grown produce. Particularly of the cabbage variety. 

Despite their suffered injuries, they seem happy. 

In fact, they thank her for the cabbages. 

No, she decides, she has hasn’t been born lucky. She forges luck for herself. 


	2. Slurry

Azula watches one of the soldiers munch on a cabbage. The man looks rather content. She gives a self-satisfied smile; those lowlifes within the walls truly don’t know what they are missing. She should have just gone outside of Ba Sing Se’s walls to begin with. 

“Can I get another medicinal cabbage?” One of the soldiers asks. He holds up a single several copper coins and a silver. 

“Of course.” She takes the coins and sets a cabbage in his hand. 

“I’m feeling better already.”

“I’m sure that you are.” She wanders away from his bed and over to the window. The drill is kicking up a healthy amount of dust, she wonders how it is that these fools behind the walls have no awareness of it at all. 

  
  


**.oOo.**

“Good work team Avatar!” Sie hears Sokka declare. “Now Aang just needs to…”

“Get down from there before he gets himself hurt!” Sie shouts. “Spirits! Why are there so many children in this drill?” He glances to his left and right. “I’m surrounded by children and no one is going to say anything about it.” He doesn’t realize that it is commonplace for fictional works to have teenagers do the hard work. He refuses to accept it as the norm and yet he can do nothing about it. “I’d like to work with someone my age.” He bellows. He doesn’t realize that his outburst has caused Mai to age down a single year out of spite. 

“Wow, Sie, you were right! It is the Avatar!” TyLee declares. 

Sokka smiles and waves, “hey.” 

The waterbender looks wholly irritated by the man’s apparent lust. This is precisely why Sie does not want to work side by side two teenagers. And yet, they are his only friends. 

“Guys, get out of here. I know what I need to do.” The avatar declares. Sie’s heart thumps, he knows that the boy is dangerous and he doesn’t want to find out exactly what he has in mind.

  
  


He starts to run off but Katara yells, “wait!” She waits for him to halt and look back before saying, “you need this water more than I do!” She tosses her waterskin at him. Aang catches it Sie, Mai, and TyLee aren’t far behind.

“Follow them.” Sie instructs. “I need to be the one to take on the Avatar.” He tries not to think about having to face down a couple of kids. He pursues the avatar as closely as he can, scowling to himself when the boy begins to ascend to the top of the drill. Sie groans and thanks the spirits that he has gotten around to getting in shape. He supposes that the avatar will be in for a bit of a shock. 

**.oOo.**

Azula wanders to the top of the wall, hands clasped behind her back. She comes to stand next to General Sung, blissfully unaware that she is standing just close enough for it to be outside of social acceptability. He shifts uncomfortably, she doesn’t notice this either. Her focus is elsewhere, upon the world below and at the horizon. Afternoon is drifting into the early stages of sundown, Azula’s favorite time of the day. It is when the sky itself seems to be made of lava and fire. It paints the world with elongated shadows and an orange haze seems to fill the world around her. She gives a soft smile, she likes to think that this is the universe’s way of telling her that she has done a good job today and that her cabbage business will begin to bloom. 

General Sung coughs. 

“Good evening, General…”

“Sung.” He fills in. 

“Good evening, General Sung.”

“You aren’t supposed to be up here.”

“I can go wherever I want.” Azula shrugs. She, of course, has no special authority, but something within leaves her feeling as though she should. She decides that the conversation needs a more pleasant direction.

“General Sung, tell your soldiers to stop shooting rocks down here!” Aang calls at exactly the same moment that Azula says, “General Sung, would you like to buy a cabbage?” 

Naturally Sung only hears the young merchant. Though he doesn’t want to be rude so he pretends like he has heard the avatar as well. He nods at him and turns to his soldiers, “Soldiers, whatever you do, don't stop shooting rocks down there!” He nods to himself and smiles. Yes, he thinks that he has heard the avatar correctly. He turns to the merchant. “I am allergic to green things.”

Azula narrows her eyes. She knows the man is just trying to let her down gently, but she wishes that he would have chosen a less obvious excuse. “Then you must be in terrible pain.”

At first it doesn’t register and then he looks down at his clothing. “So I am. So I am.” 

**.oOo.**

“What I'd give to be a metalbender.” Sie hears the avatar huff.

“What I’d give to be a cabbage vendor.” Sie mutters to himself. Surely it would be a lot easier than climbing this drill. He envies the girl who is peering over the edge of the wall. He envies and fears her;  _ what is your aim? _ He wonders to himself. He watches her hand a cabbage to the general.

He is almost to the top of the drill. 

The girl either drops the cabbage or she throws it. Either which way, it falls with such a force that it bursts into flames. 

The flames are curiously blue. 

This causes the avatar’s uncanny creature companion to shriek. “Momo, get out of here!” Aang cries. “I thought that you were a nonbender!” He says to Sie. 

Sie opens his mouth to speak but the avatar interrupts. “I guess that you were hiding your true power all along.”

But his fire is not blue. His fire is green, coincidentally the same shade as a handful of cabbages. “Stand down, avatar.” He declares. 

Aang shakes his head sadly. “I can’t do that.”

Sie figured as much, the boy never stood down any other time.” He dips into a firebending stance and sends three balls of green flames at the avatar, only for him to have them put out by a few cracks of a water whip.

He looks up and catches the cabbage merchant’s gaze. He imagines that she is plotting something devious. 

**.oOo.**

Azula tilts her head. It is marvelous, simply spectacular. She turns to the general, “I wish I could do that.”

“Have rocks and fire thrown at you.”

“No, no. That already happens.” Azula replies. “I wish that I could bend strangely hued fire.” Perhaps in another lifetime, she ponders. But in this one she can bend exactly no elements. If only cabbage were a bending style. She stuffs her hands into her pockets and feels the copper and silver pieces. 

She looks back up and in the general direction of Sie. She wonders what kind of dinner she can buy herself with three silver pieces. Pan-fried noodles and roasted duck sound good. Yes, she thinks that, that is what she will have for dinner. 

**.oOo.**

Sie curses inwardly; he had let her distract him. He almost got flattened by a boulder and the avatar is sending more of them at him. He ducks under them and halves them with powerful cuts of fire. 

It is now his turn to strike. He blasts the avatar with a larger fireball and throws him against the wall. Both Sie and Aang wince simultaneously. But for different reasons entirely. Aang winces in pain. Sie winces at having caused a child pain. Sung gives a sympathetic wince. Azula winces because there is a hole in her left pocket and one of her copper pieces has rolled over the edge of the wall. Somewhere in the Fire Nation Ozai winces because he has stubbed his toe on the side of his throne. And in a different universe entirely, Callum winces because he knows that he shares a voice actor with Sokka.

Sie holds up a palmful of flames, contemplating releasing it. The boy is only twelve and he is what? Fifty? Is it really right for him to--the avatar shoves him back using a glove of rock. He gives an off as the strike lands.

Suddenly his vision is filled with goopy slush as the drill sinks deeper into the wall. He cringes, soaked to the underwear in the stuff. Though that is not the worst of it. No, the worst of it is that he has picked up a momentum that has him windmilling into the avatar. They rebound off of each other and Sie knows that he has  _ another  _ climb ahead of him.

Thanks spirits that he is completely and unapologetically jacked. 

**.oOo.**

Azula grins. She stands in between two Earth Kingdom soldiers. There is a whole line of them either spectating or throwing boulders. The soldier five people down from her is quite charming. Well chiseled and clean shaven…What a good day this is. A good day indeed; she has customers and entertainment. She prides herself for her intelligence. The intelligence that has led her here. Another soldier wanders from the battlefield to the top of the wall. 

“Hello.” Azula greets. “There is quite a show going on down there. Perhaps you would like some snacks to go with your show.” She holds out a cabbage.

He looks around. “Are there any other snacks?”

“No.” Azula replies. “And even if there were, you would probably elect to purchase one of my cabbages they are much healthier than popped corn and chocolates.”

“That...not true.” He replies. “But since you’re the only one here, I’ll take a cabbage.” 

“Delightful.” Azula remarks. Indeed, she will be getting her roast duck and pan-fried noodles. 

  
  


. **oOo** .

Sie watches the lemur, bat thing pull Aang back to the top of the drill. As far as physics and the laws of gravity go, this isn’t right; Aang is significantly heavier than Momo. And yet the flying lemur is lifting the boy with no issue. Clearly, Momo has not skipped leg day.

Momo sets him down.

“That’s cheating.” Sie declares. 

“BOOOO!!!” Azula calls from above. 

Sie cannot tell if she is booing his remark or the avatar’s act of unsportsmanship. 

“I’m an airbender.” Aang replies. 

Sie scoffs. He wonders just what it is with airbenders and vegans and constantly reminding everyone of these things. His eyes go wide as a boulder slams down onto the drill and Aang moves it to the X he has etched onto the drill. He runs up the side of the wall and uses his airscooter to ride back down it. He does this several more times, shouting a childish, “wheeeee.” Sie didn’t expect the boy to slam himself down onto the boulder. He knows all too late what is about to happen. 

The pipes within the drill burst and just as soon as Sie reaches the top he is bombarded with more slurry. Sie scowls, the first blast of the stuff was horrid enough. Now he feels thoroughly disgusted. He wonders how many high-class baths he is going to have to take before his crevices are free of sludge. 

**.oOo.**

Azula ducks, but not in time to avoid the blast. She hadn’t expected the damaged to extend this far, for her uncharacteristic lack of foresight, she is left coated in goop. Her face bunches in disgust as the stuff drips off of her. She wipes a glob of it off of her face. 

General Sung and his soldiers are just about as thrilled as she. She knows that Sung will go through hell trying to get the muck out of his beard. She is glad that she does not have a beard. For a very brief moment, she ponders how she would look with a beard. She shakes her head and berates herself for allowing her mind to drift so hideously. She does note though, that, even with a beard, she would still be more attractive than many of the ladies she has come across. 

She folds her arms across her chest, it would seem that she has been wrong about it being doom’s day. Not that she had been wrong about there being a crisis. But what matters is that she has managed to sell a good many cabbages. And she still has some to spare! She looks over at her cart.

She swallows at the sight of it. Each and every one of her remaining cabbages has been tainted by wall sludge. She wanders over to it and reaches a mournful hand out. 

“Are you okay?” One of the soldiers asks. It is the charming one, she might be happy for the chance to talk to him if not for the situation. 

She looks sadly up at him and points a slightly trembling hand at her dripping cabbage stall, “my cabbages.”


	3. No War

Azula returns to her loft feeling delighted and dismal in equal measure. On one hand, she has coin enough for roast duck and pan-fried noodles and then some. On the other, she is down another crop of cabbages. She has no idea how she is going to get the wall sludge off of her stall. She pushes her stall back to its place at the edge of her cabbage field and sighs. 

It looks like she is due for a trip to the public bathhouse. She hates the bathhouse, too many wandering eyes and clothing thieves. And that doesn’t even cover the occasional piranha-ray attack. Whoever thought it would be a good idea to replace the koi with those to cut back on spending is a fool. 

She makes her way to the springs regardless. She scans the water for the piranha-rays, upon deeming the coast clear, she strips and slips into the water. She is going to have to do some laundry when she gets home.

She exhales with the steam of the spring, a feeling like she will never be fully clean again begins to settle in. But she doesn’t have time to dwell upon that. 

“Hey.” Speaks a low and raspy voice. And there it is, the other reason she hates the public bathhouse. 

Azula groans. 

“You owe me three fiddy.” 

Azula grumbles and pulls out a few counterfeit coins and slides it to the Loch Ness monster. “Now leave me alone.” 

The creature sinks back beneath the surface and swims away. Azula doesn’t put much thought into how little sense it makes for such an enormous creature to soundly occupy such a small space. She quickly shampoos her hair and soaps her body. She is growing hungry and that roast duck is sounding very good right about now. 

**.oOo.**

  
Sie scowls. “I think we lost” echos in his mind. “Not kidding.” He frowns to himself. Not only did they lose but they are covered in wall juice. It comforts him little that TyLee remains outside building mudmen. 

“I made you a mud pie.” She declares. 

Sie doesn’t have time for these games. He doesn’t know how, but this is the fault of that cabbage merchant. She must have enchanted the cabbage with performance enhancing drugs. Yes, that is it. That is the only explanation as to how he might have lost. It doesn’t have anything to do with his own actions. 

He finds himself a seat and pulls it into the corner. 

The left corner. 

That is his plotting corner. 

“Hey, you’re going to have to leave now.” General Sung says. “We defeated you three hours ago.”

TyLee sticks out her tongue and spits at him. 

“Listen, we can’t have you out here. There’s this secret government agency that is trying to keep the public from knowing about the war and if they see you…” 

“What?” Sie asks. “What are they gonna do.” 

“They’re gonna be really mad.” Sung says in a sing-song voice, one that lets everyone know why he is named Sung. 

“How mad?”

“Seven.”

“Seven?”

“Seven mad.” Sung replies. He stalks off leaving Sie to wonder what exactly that means. Is it a rating scale? Are they, whoever they are, going to be seven levels of mad? Are they going to be mad for seven reasons? “Mai, TyLee, what does ‘seven mad’ mean?”

**.oOo.**

Azula makes her way over to the Jasmine Dragon. On a normal day, she would offer the severs some cabbages. Ruefully this is not a normal day, they are going to be very disappointed. Azula finds her usual spot. 

“What are you doing here!?” The waiter demands, furiously. He is always so angry, as though every ounce of teenage angst that has ever been put out into the world has come together and flowed into this boy. 

“I am getting tea.” Azula replies. “And some roasted duck and pan-fried noodles.” 

Through gritted teeth the scarred boy says, “really, what the hell are you doing here?”

What is she doing here? She ponders. What is anyone doing here. She was born, she supposes. By chance a cluster of cells had come together to form her instead of someone else. She wonders if it really is chance at all or if life has some sort of design. A design that intended for her, Azula, the cabbage merchant, to exist and exist as she does currently with the temperament that she currently has. By extension she wonders if any of her choices matter at all; would she still be sitting in the Jasmine Dragon no matter what decision she had chosen or was it already decided by the fates that she would end up here in this location. Perhaps in another life she would not be in the Jasmine Dragon. She might be dwelling in a drill. She might be something more than a cabbage merchant. But then, perhaps, even if she was the Fire Lord, she would still be waiting here, in the Jasmine Dragon, for some roast duck because that is life’s design. 

Azula frowns, she hates it when people make her question her existence and the vast enigma of life and the delicate strings and laws of time and space that flow perpetually and primordially, keeping the universe together as it is now. 

Having that train of thought so potent in her mind, she considers that maybe today should be the day that she finally asks the big question. 

“Why are you here!?” The boy demands again. He hasn’t even asked her what drink she’d like to start with.

Yes, she decides. Today will be the day.

“Can I speak to the manager?”

“My manager can’t change that your coupon expired ten years ago.” The boy growls. 

“This didn’t even exist ten years ago.” Azula argues. 

“It’s not my fault that your coupon exists on an entirely different timeplane!” 

“Well you shouldn’t be handing out coupons that existed before your shop.” Azula replies. “I am a merchant myself and I would never give my customers time traveling coupons. I don’t give them coupons at all. Just cabbages. Only. Cabbages.” She pauses. “Anyways, that’s not what I want to speak with him about.” 

“Sorry about my cranky nephew.” 

“Uncle!” The boy says, “It’s--”

“He is going through a rough time. His father has sent him away, he’s trying to figure out who he is…”

“You’re only paying him minimum wage?” Azula puts in. 

“...His date the other night didn’t go well…”

“And you’re horribly understaffed.” Azula notes. 

“...And I made him clean out his sock drawer. Did you know that he only has one pair of matching socks and that those socks have pictures of Kpop idols on them?”

Azula tilts her head. “Pictures of what?” Before the man can answer she waves a hand. “I am not hear to discuss your nephew’s angst. I am here to discuss a business partnership.”

The old man blinks. 

“I am cabbage merchant, Azula and I believe that we can help each other out. I know that you have just opened your shop about a month ago. I have been doing business here for years. As a well-established seller of cabbage, I know how to bring in clients.” 

“Then why do I always see you with a full cart!?” The boy shouts from behind the counter. 

Azula grits her teeth. “Because I work very fast. I replace a cabbage as soon as it is sold.” 

“How does that work?”

“I simply tear a whole in the air around me, reach into the portal, and pull out a cabbage.” Azula shrugs. “That is how all cabbages are grown.” 

“That was the worst lie I’ve ever heard.” 

Azula narrows her eyes. She holds up a single pointer and cuts a small rip into the fabric of time and space. She leaves it there just long enough for the boy to see before sealing it up. “Why do you think I keep my nails so long and pointed?”

The boy only blinks at her. She understands his confusion, for he was right, she had been lying. She lifts her pointer again, this time she can’t seem to tear another rift. “Born lucky.” She mutters to herself. “What do you say…” 

“Iroh.” The man fills in. 

“What do you say Iroh, will you be my business partner? Together we will be the strongest small-town franchise in the world, we will dominate the earth!” Realizing that she might be coming on too strong she adds, more quietly, “or at least the food industry. We can try to weaponize our business in the distant future.” 

Iroh strokes his beard as he considers her offer. 

“Can we discuss it over pan-fried rice and roast duck?” She asks, realizing that she still hasn’t awarded herself for her hard work. 

“Yes, let’s talk business over a fine meal!” Iroh declares. “Zuko, let’s prep a meal!” 

Zuko groans. “You can’t partner with the Jasmine Dragon! Tea and cabbage don’t even go together, that’s like the toothpaste and orange juice of food service.” 

Azula rolls her eyes. Zuko is such a child. A child and a pessimist. But she... _ she _ is a visionary. A conqueror. And she knows very well that the key to dominating the food sales industry is acquiring a formidable alley. Preferably one who has more than just a janky little stall. 

  
  


**.oOo.**

“Are we there yet?” TyLee asks.

Sie pinches the bridge of his nose. The question bothers him for several reasons. The largest reason being that it implies that there is a ‘there’ to get to, even though Sie as given no indication whatsoever that they have any one destination in mind. 

“Where are we going, anyways?” Mai questions. 

He likes that question even less because it implies that he knows where to go from here. That drill was supposed to have worked. Now he has no plans and no leads. He has nothing but the knowledge that his father is going to light him aflame if he doesn’t figure out something fast. 

  
  


“Are we there  _ now _ ?” TyLee speaks. 

“Yes!” He throws his hands up in frustration. “We are! We’re exactly where we need to be! Right in the middle of an unfamiliar forest where we can hide from our shame and humiliation.” 

_ Crawling in my skin, these wounds they will not heal! _ Mai hits a button on her phone. “Sorry, forgot to put it on silent.” She pauses. “But in my defense, I didn’t think we would even get service out here.” Another pause. “Actually, to be honest, I didn’t think that I had one of these. What is this?” She holds up the phone before it fades out of existence and she forgets that she had it at all. To fill the void left by its disappearance, a kumquat is penciled into her hand.

Sie squints, he can’t shake the feeling that something has gone amiss. But what? 

“I want to help you. You're hurt. We can help you feel better.” A voice in the distance keeps him from contemplating it for too long. “And we can help you find Aang.” 

Sie creeps his way closer and pushes some brambles aside to have a better look. It would seem as if his aimless meandering has led him to a new opportunity. Surely it will end with just as much humiliation as his prior attempt but it is better than going to face his father without doing everything in his power to complete his mission first. 

He takes a deep breath and turns to Mai and TyLee, “it’s disguise time ladies.” 

**.oOo.**

Azula drums her fingers on the table. She is growing tired of staring at the graffiti on the table. An etching captioned, ‘my largge peengus by Toph’ had only been funny for a few minutes. She wonders if whoever wrote that had meant to spell the word wrong. She also wonders why the image itself is so squiggly. Moreso, she wonders why she is putting so much thought into such vulgar graffiti. 

The more she sits there, the more she considers trying to cover up the vile artwork with something more tea-shop appropriate. 

“You!” Booms a voice from the doorway.

Azula looks up. The boy seems to be pointing at her. Azula stands, he must know of her renowned cabbages and is trying to get one for himself. She sighs, “I am truly sorry, but I just recently lost…” 

“No, not you.” The boy laughs awkwardly. 

“Oh.” She also laughs awkwardly. 

So does Ozai, for he has just been caught reading a hentai comic at his own war meeting. 

“Yeah.” The boy rubs the back of his head. “I’m looking for a firebender.” 

“Oh, yes, that is not me.” Azula replies. “I cannot bend fire.” 

The boy nods. “That’s good because I’d have to…” he slashes his hook swords through the air “you too and I don’t want to have to…” another swoosh of his swords “you too.” 

Azula nods, “I would not like to be…” she gives him time to make the gesture a third time. 

“I think that the guys who run this place are firebenders so I have to get rid of them before they allow the war to get into Ba Sing Se.” 

Azula perks up. “You know about the war!?” Finally, someone who isn’t a complete and utter moron. Definitely a moron, but not completely so. She can work with that. Especially since the moron is more charming than the soldier she had met on the wall.

“YOU!” Booms another voice, this one belonging to one of two uniformed men. 

She is amazed by her own popularity tonight. “Sorry, my cabbages have been…” 

“Not you.” The man clarifies. “Him.” He points to the boy next to her. 

The man next to him nudges him and mutters something. 

The first man clears his throat. “Actually, you as well.” 

Azula grins but only for a moment before she recalls the bitter facts. “I’m sorry, but I can’t sell you any cabbages because…” 

“Yup, that’s definitely the right one.” Mutters man two.

“Both of you are under arrest.” 

“Arrest?” Azula furrows her brows. “Look, I know that I wasn’t supposed to be on the wall but those soldiers enjoyed their cabbages.” A strong set of arms attempt to pin her arms behind her back. She ducks under and sweeps her leg under the man’s. He topples and his companion is on her in seconds. She wishes with more fury that cabbagebending were a thing. The first man to attack her now wrestles with the other boy. They encase his arms in a prison of heavy rock. 

“Are you sure that you don’t just want to buy a cabbage?” Azula asks as she ducks under a rock. She wonders why it is taking Iroh and Zuko so long to make her food. She gives the man a swift kick but he catches her foot in a cluster of rocks much like the ones around the boy’s wrists. It throws her balance enough to land her on the ground. “What do you want with me?” She scowls. 

“To help you.” The man says. 

Azula tilts her head, quizzically. “To help me? You know how to make a profit off of cabbages?” 

“Enough with the cabbages!” The man shouts. “No. We’ve heard tell that you and that boy are trying to spark panic via vicious lies and rumors.” He elaborates, “there is no war in Ba Sing Se and the two of you will soon realize that.” 

Two things happen at once; another man walks in. She recognizes him as the first man she had attempted to sell to before trying her luck with the soldiers. He looks truly and unapologetically smug. The weasley little snitch.

At the same time she sees Iroh and Zuko emerge from the kitchen. She can only watch longingly as the uniformed man drags her further and further from her hard-earned pan-fried noodles and roast duck.

“No!” The boy cries. “No! You’re arresting the wrong people! You need to go after them! They’re the firebenders!”

“There is no war in Ba Sing Se.” The two men repeat in unison. 

Azula does not quite understand, all she wants to do is sell cabbages. Why is it so hard to sell a few spiritdamned cabbages!? They pass by the man who ratted her out, “that’ll teach you not to question my spending choices.” He folds his arms over his chest with a humph. 

Azula narrows her eyes. Next to her the boy is still thrashing and screaming. But not her. No, she is not a screamer. She is an opportunist. Perhaps she can sell a few cabbages to these men. Surly they will need nutritious sustenance if they are going to try to overthrow their current government. 


	4. There Are No Cabbages In Ba Sing Se

Azula squints, her body aches from head to toe and she still hasn’t had her fill of pan-fried noodles. She had already paid for the meal too. She forces herself upright with a pained huff. It is dark, the only light she sees comes from the slant of a window on the door.

She realizes that she is alone.

Alone and in a place that has nothing but a cot, a toilet, and a copy of Fifty Shades Of Grey--she isn’t sure if this is for leisure or for toilet paper. 

It takes her a moment to realize where she is. A cell. A dreary and dank, musky smelling Earth Kingdom cell. 

There comes a screech of metal as the slant on her door slides open. A small shaft of light pours in. 

A gruff voice greets her, “good evening, princess.” 

“She’s a cabbage merchant.” Corrects a distant, feminine voice. 

“Oh right!” The man calls back. “We haven’t caught the princess yet, thanks for reminding me Long Feng.”

“You’re welcome!” Long Feng answers in that same high-pitched tone. Azula can’t even begin to fathom why the man is talking like that. 

“You’re probably wondering why you are here.” The man says.

She wishes that he wouldn’t make assumptions. The things she actually wonders about are if she will ever get her pan-fried noodles (or, at least, her money back) and how good the stock market is as far as cabbages are concerned. 

“You probably have a lot of questions, don’t you?” He continues. “ So I will allow you to ask one question and I will answer honestly. You can ask more than one but I might lie about those.” 

Now he sounds like her old history teacher; she still isn’t sure if the first avatar actually was a 400 foot tall platypus bear with purple horns and silver wings. Azula perks up, she has found the perfect mascot for her cabbage company! 

The Dai Li agent coughs, bringing her back to attention. “Can I ask two?” She asks. A nervous sweat breaks on her forehead and she abruptly adds, “no wait! That’s not my question!” 

“You have one more question left out of two.”

Azula folds her arms over her chest and gives an indignant sniff. There are a great many things she could ask; she could inquire about why she is here, about where here is, about whether the book is for reading or for ass wiping. She could ask if they would be willing to bargain with her for her freedom, could ask who is in charge. 

She could ask if he wants to buy a cabbage…

  
The possibilities are endless. Endless and full of opportunity. But there is an itch that she needs to scratch, one that is irresistible thanks to her inclination for logic and perfection. She knows that it is hardly important in comparison to her other questions, the ones that can actually move the plot forward. But the one she actually asks is already out of her mouth, “why did you open another slant to talk to me if one was already open?” 

**.oOo.**

“My, my, you're easy to find. It's really astounding my brother hasn't captured you yet.” Sie greets. 

The bison growls at him, or maybe that was a sneeze, he can’t be sure.What he is certian of is that the Kyoshi warriors have all drawn their fans and shields. 

“What do you want with us?” Suki asks.

He very well could answer her question, let her know that he needs a disguise. But he can also make a pun. Yes a pun. Puns are good. “Who are you?” He asks, already wriggling his eyes in anticipation for the punchline. “The Avatar's fan girls?”

“Wo-ow.” Mai grumbles. “G _ oo _ -od one.” And more to herself she adds, “I bet that the cabbage merchant wouldn’t have made such a stupid joke.” 

Sie frowns, “says you.” Great, now he is acting like the teens that he is surrounded by.

“If you're looking for the Avatar, you're out of luck.” Suki says. 

“What if we’re looking for Waldo?” TyLee taps her finger on her chin. “Or Carmen SanDieago? Where in the world, is she?”

“Then you’re still out of luck, I’ve been looking for ages!” Exclaims one of the other kyoshi warriors. 

“I knew this was a waste of time.” Mai says with a dramatic sigh.

“No Avatar, huh?” Sie asks. “Well, that's okay…” he trails off as he slides off of his mongoose-lizard. He never had figured out how to unmount these things. He stumbles gracelessly to the floor. “That’s a really cute dress and I’d love to borrow it!” He finally finishes. 

Suki’s eyes go wide, “no way, this dress is Kyoshi!” She declares. “The Autumn, 100 AG line.”

Sie sends a blast of fire at the girl. He needs that dress! 

It goes so well with his eyes! 

And it makes a great disguise. 

Miles away Iroh eats some fries. 

Mai takes this as her cue to toss a few shurikens. She doesn’t particularly pay attention to where she throws them, which is probably why they all hit a tree instead of any of the warriors. “You're so colorful, it's making me nauseous.” She remarks before actually putting some real effort into her attack.

“You're not prettier than we are.” TyLee says as the author squints at the episode’s transcript and decides ultimately that this is random enough on its own to be left as is. She quickly chi blocks her more unsightly combatant. 

Sie shakes his head a coaxes a green flame into his palm he tosses it at Suki and Appa. The bison lets out a terrified groan. “Afraid of fire, I see. That's good. You should be.” He too is afraid of fire and yet here he is, a firebender. He is, in fact, afraid of most things. 

The air around Suki seems to glitch, a staticy haze silhouettes her. Through the static it is hard to make out her voice, “go, Appa! Fly away from here!” There is something else layered on top of it...a yellow sponge wearing pants of the square variety shouting, “just get out of here you stupid dumb animal.” The image and audio overlaps Suki in such a way that they both occupy the same exact spot in space and time at the same time. Sie covers his ears and squeezes his eyes shut. When he opens them again the world is as it should be. He is growing tired of these nightmarish glitches. 

Appa is still not gone though, he squeezes his eyes shut again. And when he opens them, there is no more Appa. Sie’s stomach lurches,  _ spirits, what kind of power has he acquired.? And why has the author chosen to leave that period in there instead of just deleting it!?  _

Suki opens her fan once more. 

“Don't you know fans just make flames stronger?” Sie asks. Agni, some people lack basic common sense. He runs into a jump and brings a halo of green fire to his feet. Suki’s eyes widen...

***Insert really bitchin’ scene break here***

Azula sighs, maybe if authors actually knew how to write, she wouldn’t be in this situation right now. As it were she is forced to listen to the fussy, extremely sexy, but really loud and obnoxious man she had been dragged here with.

“You have to believe me, they're firebenders! They won't stop until they win the War!” He declares. 

She cannot see what is happening but she can hear it. 

“Calm down, you're safe now.”

Maybe she should open her eyes. 

But it is so late at night, she needs her rest if she is going to have the wit to sell cabbages to shady organizations. Curiosity gets the better of her. She peers into Jet’s cell. The boy is surrounded by a metal track. There is a lantern rotating around the track. 

“Our economy would be ruined, our peaceful way of life – our traditions – would disappear. There's no war in Ba Sing Se.” 

Azula chuckles to herself, but otherwise remains quiet. She doesn’t want to give them a reason to strap her to that chair. 

“You might as well say what you wish, cabbage merchant.” The man frowns, “you’ll be in this chair soon enough.”

_ Well in that case _ … “There is clearly a war and you know it. In fact, I sold many cabbages to many soldiers who were trying to stop the walls from being breached. I’ve been all over the world trying to sell these cabbages, I’ve witnessed the fall of Omashu; sales were dreadfully down during that. Have you ever tired to sell a cabbage to people who are pretending to have pentapox? By all means, I think that I have heard of that, but they clearly weren’t sick.” She takes a breath. “I’ve seen decrepit cities, crumbling because a dreadful wartime economy and I’ve seen Fire Nation banners arise all over the Earth Kingdoms. There was also this particularly dull-headed man who decided to destroy the moon. One minute I was writing a letter to my father, the next I am in the dark, unable to see my letter, and wondering where the moon went.” She takes another breath. “Only a fool would destroy the moon.Do you know what other nation needs the moon?” She doesn’t let him answer. “The Fire Nation. They need the moon too but  _ someone  _ decided that the moon is not important. How did you hide that from your citizens?” This time she leaves room for an answer. One that does not come (because logically, such a tremendous feat cannot be covered up). “Both water tribes have fallen, and your hat is on crooked and makes your forehead look comically large.”

“Yeah, you over-grown butt hair!” Jet adds. 

Azula frowns, he has just made a mess of her insult. “Please shut up, you beautiful man.” 

“Sorry.” He mutters. 

The agent blinks. “Long Feng, we’re going to need a more powerful lantern!” But Long Feng is not there. His presence is required in another scene; “Ba Sing Se remains a peaceful, orderly utopia, the last one on Earth.” He says to the Avatar. The arrowed boy and his friends look at him with horror, at the implication of just how in the dark the people of Ba Sing Se are. “Myself and the rest of the Dailluminati are making sure that everyone knows that.” 

But Azula has no knowledge of this, she only sees the lantern continuing its rotation around Jet’s head. “Spirits, that must be annoying.” She mutters to herself. 

The Dailluminati agent pinches the bridge of his nose. “Do you know how hard it is to hypnotize someone with all of this side commentary?”

“About as hard as it is to sell a cabbage to rouge bison-stealing sandbenders who claim that are trying to flee the scene of the crime?” 

The Dailluminati agent blinks again. “Yeeeeah...sure.” He turns to his companion. “Hey, Kiko, can you put this one back in her cell?”

“I’ll put myself back in the cell if you buy a cabbage.” 

He tosses a handful of coins at her. She doesn’t have her cabbage stall, but a true cabbage merchant can create a cabbage from nothing. She closes her eyes,takes a deep breath, and wills a cabbage into her hand. She hands it to the Dailluminati agent and makes her way back into her cell before the cabbage can disappear and he can demand his money back. One day, she will be a true cabbagebender.

She lays upon her bed and listens to the ambiance of Lake Laogai. 

“There is no war within the walls. Here we are safe. Here, we are free.” 


	5. The Cabbage From The Oasis

“There is no war in Ba Sing Se…” 

Azula looks at the clock, she does so quickly before it can fade away, leaving her deprived of her sense of time. It is early, only seven o clock. She can’t believe that they are still working on brainwashing that beautiful, chiseled, Adonis-grade boy. His mind must be as impenetrable as the wall of Ba Sing Se…that is to say that she knows he will crack very soon.

She supposes that now is a good time to test her new selling strategy. Unlike the common household dog, Azula is well aware that they have neglected to lock her cell door. She slips out and wanders down the craggy tunnel. Unfortunately she hadn’t the opportunity to devise a plan wherein she gets herself arrested and strikes a deal with Long Feng. Sure, she has the getting herself arrested bit accomplished but with him frequently being plucked from one scene to the next she hasn’t had the opportunity to propose working together in a mutually beneficial and highly efficient business partnership. 

She will eventually, but until the opportunity arises, she must find use for her time. 

Since she hasn’t made an alliance with the Dailluminati, she must acquire herself a disguise so that she may freely elope among them. 

“What are you doing out of your cell?” So much for that plan.

“You left it open so I assumed that I could leave it.” Azula shrugs. “How am I supposed to sell cabbages in a cell. You can’t sell in cell. Well...you can cell in a cell but selling in a cell is…” 

“You are giving me a migraine. Please, stop.” The man grumbles. 

“You probably gave that really beautiful man a migraine when you brainwashed him…”

“It’s fine when we do it.” He replies bluntly. At least he is honest in his hypocrisy. 

“Get back in your cell.” 

“Or…” she begins. “You can take me to your leader. I have a proposal for him.” 

**.oOo.**

“Look Bosco! The Kyoshi Warriors are here to protect us! Aren't you excited?” Earth King Kuei asks. The bear looks anything but excited. Sei observes the creature with a growing sense of unease. There is just something so unwholesome about it. Something that he can’t place. 

It isn’t part platypus...it is just a bear. That must be it. 

It must be…

Deep down he knows that it is something boundlessly worse... 

He doesn’t get to piece it together, for the Earth King speaks again. “It's been a difficult week for me. My most trusted advisor, Long Feng, and his Dai Li agents tried to take control of Ba Sing Se from me.” 

Funny, Sei doesn’t recall such a plot point. Could it be!? That the author chose to omit the entire thing in a successful effort to save time but at the cost of a solid story line!?

No. Impossible. 

Authors don’t do that. 

What is an author?

  
  


Sie doesn’t vocalize his concerns, instead he pretends that he cares about the other man’s problems. Isn’t that what all self-absorbed fourteen year old girls do when their fellow teenagers are confiding in them. But he is not fourteen, nor is he a girl and neither is the Earth King. Even so, he does not care about the man’s problems so in the most obviously sarcastic drawl he says, “it's terrible when you can't trust the people who are closest to you.”

Mai and Tylee exchange a rather suspicious glance. Sie laughs it off, it is probably nothing to worry about. 

Kuei pets the bear’s fur. Sie shudders. “But there is good news. As we speak, the Council of Five is meeting to plan an invasion of the Fire Nation this summer, on the day of a solar eclipse.” He pauses. “That or it was a DnD campaign. You can never be sure with those guys.” He laughs. 

Sie’s eyes go wide; a DnD campaign! Those had been outlawed after the great dispute between the Gan Jin and Zhang tribes. “Really? Now that sounds like a fascinating and brilliant plan.” 

Mai and TyLee exchange another glance. “Will you two stop that!” 

**.oOo.**

“Wait here, next to this dead body.” 

Azula nods. Waiting next to a corpse is a small price to pay in the grand scheme of things. Even if the body does belong to someone extraordinary and ridiculously gorgeous, who she does hate to see not alive. 

“I’m...not…” he struggles. “Dead...yet.” 

“Oh, well, it was really unclear.” Azula dismisses. For a moment she almost leaves it as that. But then she recalls something important. She scans the room before kneeling in close. “I have a secret.”

The beautiful man manages a wheezing laugh. “I get...it. You’re sharing...with..me. Because I’ll be...dead...soon.”

“Shhh.” She brings her pointer to her lips. “Shut up and eat this cabbage.” 

Reluctantly, the boy accepts his final meal. “This tastes…” 

Azula smiles. 

“Dreadful.” 

She folds her arms over her chest. “You will take that back.” 

“I feel…” he stands up with a grin. “I feel better!” 

“You won’t for long, unless you take it back.” 

He holds his hands up. “That was the best cabbage I have ever eaten.”

Azula nods. “One time I went to the Northern Water Tribe and I accidently dropped it in their sacred oasis.” She was going to save that cabbage for an emergency, but this boy. This beautiful boy...she couldn’t let those abs go to waste. 

“So uh...how much?”

“I am glad that you asked.” Azula replies. “You owe me your life. You will follow me wherever I go and you will help me sell cabbages.” 

The man considers. “So like do I get to pose with the cabbages?” 

She nods. 

“Shirtless?” 

She nods again. 

“And I will attract lots of women?” 

“Absolutely.” 

“We have a deal.” He shakes her hand. 

A smirk spreads across her face. Hot promotional model, check. Now all she needs to do is make a marketing team of the Dailluminati and their brainwashing technology. She rubs her hands together in anticipation. 

Yes, indeed, everything is going accordingly. 

“Good evening, merchant.” Comes a familiar high-pitched voice.

“We have a lot to discuss, Long Feng.” She greets. 

**.oOo.**

“We have been presented with an extraordinary opportunity, girls.”

“We’ve been invited to join an underground and illegal DnD party!?” TyLee exclaimes. 

“Well, I was actually going to point out that Mai is finally wearing make up that isn’t totally depressing.” Sie confessess. “But it is also worth mentioning that we can conquer the whole Earth Kingdom.” Sie looks down at the script in his hand and sighs. He hates expository rants. “For one hundred years, the Fire Nation has…” He squints at the smudged writing, “holla...ha..hammered... hammered! For one hundred years, the Fire Nation has hammered away at Ba Sing Se from the outside. But now we're on the inside, and we can take it by ourselves.”

  
“Gosh, you're so confident. I really admire that about you.” TyLee beams at him. 

That would mean a lot to him if it wasn’t part of the script and if he weren’t questioning her loyalty. “From the inside, we're in perfect position to organize a coup and overthrow the Earth King. The key is the Dai Li. Whoever controls the Dai Li controls Ba Sing Se.”

So why does he feel like things won’t work in his favor?

**.oOo.**

“And what do I have to gain from this?”

She should feel nervous, she is just a humble cabbage farmer. She doesn’t have much to offer in way of possessions and she doesn’t have an extravagant title to wave in his face. “Oh...you know…” She winks.

“What?” Long Feng asks. 

She winks again. 

“What is in it for me?”

She leans in only a hair closer and drops her voice to a whisper. “Something  _ really  _ cool.” 

“And what is this something?” He implores.

“You’ll find out if you join me.” 

“You don’t have anything to offer do you?” 

Azula gives a haughty sniff and turns her head. “Fine.” She lets the word hang there, in fact it echos down the cavern. The acoustics in this underground lair are fantastic! “Jet, let’s go.” 

“Wait!” Long Feng says as she stands. “I thought that he was dead...how?” 

She winks at him a final time. 

She knows that she has him now. 

**.oOo.**

“I'm tired of wearing this girly disguise. I don't know how anyone could fight in this.” Mai sighs audibly.

“Maybe that's why it was so easy to beat the Kyoshi Warriors and take their clothes.” TyLee shrugs. “Which is really weird when you think about it. Do you think that they’re wearing our clothes right now? Or are they wearing twigs and leaves!?” 

Mai does not want to think about that, not at all. So she gets them back on track. “How much longer do we have to serve the Earth King? If I have to clean up one more pile of bear poop, I'm going to throw up. I’m not even sure if that is a bear...it’s just...there’s something off about it.” 

“Princess Sie promised that we would go back to the Fire Nation as soon as we captured the Avatar. We just have to be patient!” TyLee declares very very very very extremely not quietly.

Mai stands up, and much louder--as though they were in a high school lunchroom shouting ‘BOOB’ progressively louder just to bother the teachers--snaps, “shush up! Do you want the whole palace to know we're Fire Nation?” Her voice carries. 

“Sorry!” TyLee winces, not bothering to point out that Mai had literally been speaking into a megaphone. 

Sie watches the Dailluminati agents crawl away. A single tear slides down his cheek. He wanders out from behind a pillar, “what have you two done?”

**.oOo.**

“Soooo.” Azula mutters. “What was it like to die?” 

“Oh, uh, it was terrible.” 

Azula nods and makes a soft humming noise. “Tell me more.” 

“Well, one minute I was helping the Avatar...”

Azula scoffs. The Avatar, that wretched stall wrecking, havoc wreaking miscreant. She will take her vengeance in time. “Mmm hmm…” she says just to make sure he thinks that she is still listening. 

“Yeah, it was pretty rough, ya know?” 

“Yes.” She nods. “I’ve been through something similar.” Though she doesn’t know if this is true. She does not know what happened the next minute. 

“So, what do you like to do for fun?” 

“Engage in political battles, though I haven’t had an opportunity to do that yet. I like to sell cabbages.”

“Okay, yeah, yeah that’s your job, but what do you do in your free time?”

Azula blinks. “I...sell cabbages?” 

Now the boy blinks. “But what else do you do?” 

“Ohhh.” Azula nods, she understands now. “I grow cabbages!” 

“Alright, while we’re waiting for Long Feng to take care of whatever he said he needs to do, do you want to do something that doesn’t involve cabbages?”

“No!” She says too abruptly for her liking. “No, absolutely not.” 

“Come on, it’ll be fun.” He promises. 

“I don’t even know your name.” She points out. “I’ve just been calling you, ‘that beautiful man’.” 

“I’m Jet.” He smiles and holds his hand out. “Let’s go do an activity together.” 

**.oOo.**

“Thank goodness you're here, Suki.” Katara kicks the door in. “Something terrible is going on. The Fire Nation has infiltrated the city, I just saw Prince Zuko and his uncle!”

Sie cringes, both at the sound of the door bouncing off of the walls (he notes the crack that it leaves in the expensive wall tiling) and at the mention of his brother and uncle.

“We have to tell the Earth King right away!”

Sie clears his throat, “oh, don't worry, I'll be sure to let him know.” 

Katara’s eyes go wide when she notices that she is speaking to a man and that Kyoshi Warriors are all women. She holds out her hand to attack but TyLee is quicker. 

“So, Zuko’s in the city, too? I think it's time to get as far away from here as possible so I don’t have to deal with an awkward family reunion.” Not that he has a choice; as soon as the Dailluminati come to retrieve Katara, they seize him too. 

“What is this about?” He asks, knowing very well what this is about. “Your agents show up in the middle of the night and drag me down here? You will not treat a Kyoshi Warrior this way!” 

“Kay Karen…” Long Feng snickers. 

Sie scowls and then realization hits. There is only one person who has ever called him that. His mind wanders back to the very first time he encountered the cabbage merchant. He had left his wallet on the airship but had already finished his cabbage so he plucked one of his hairs from his head and insisted that she had put it in his meal and demanded a refund and better customer service. She had looked him dead in the eye and said, “kay, Karen.” 

He has hated her since. 

“But you're not a Kyoshi Warrior, are you, Princess Sie of the Fire Nation?”

So the moment has come. “What do you want?”

“I want to make a deal. It's time that I regain control of Ba Sing Se and you have something I need.”

“Oh?”

“The Earth King's trust.”

He does have that doesn’t he? Geez, he’s put up with that uncanny bear long enough, he ought to have earned some trust. 

  
“Combined with my other secret weapon, I can’t possibly fail.” Long Feng strokes his beard. 

“What secret weapon?”

“Oh,” Long Feng chuckles. “It’s a secret to me as well, but it’s supposed to be  _ really  _ cool.”

Sie’s eyes narrow. This is starting to sound suspicious as hell. “Why should I help you?”

“Because I can get you the Avatar.”

His eyes light up. Father will be just pleased! “I'm listening …”

**.oOo.**

“What is that?” Azula cocks her head. 

Jet’s face bunches into a goofy smile and he gives one of those snorty nose laughs. It is the least attractive thing that Azula has ever seen in her life. “Dickbutt.” He replies in an equally goofy and higher pitched voice. 

He steps back to admire his artwork. “I can’t wait ‘til they see this.”

Azula hopes that she will not be around, she is still hoping for a business partnership with the Jasmine Dragon. She can’t imagine that dickbutt will look good on her application. She might as well pencil one onto the parchment and hand it to the owner. 

“This is fun.” Jet says. “You’re having fun, right?”

“Is this really what people do when they aren’t growing cabbages?” 

Jet nods. “It sure is.” 


	6. *~Really Cool~*

“Oh, Spirits, not again.” Sie looks down at the script handed to him. “Another lengthy monologue.” He groans and turns to the Dailluminati agents. With a deep sigh he beings, “] The Earth King and the Council of Five do not trust the Dai Li. They imprisoned your leader, Long Feng. Soon they will turn on all of you and eliminate you. Seizing power today is a matter of life and death. This coup must be swift and decisive. The Earth King and each of the five generals must be taken out simultaneously.” He pauses to catch his breath. “Long Feng has placed you in my command while we overthrow the government...oh forget this!” He tosses the script aside. “I’m your leader now, we have to overthrow the government, please don’t do anything backstabby.” He gives them all fingerguns. All of them return the gesture. 

All of them save for a man with a small vertical scar on his cheek. 

He knows who the group fuck up is.

“Good talk, good talk.” TyLee nods. “Pretty and poetic and with great improv.” 

“Yeah. That one guy was shitting bricks.” Mai remarks. 

“There are still a few loose ends.” Sie says. “The Avatar, and my brother and uncle. And that Agni damned bear.” They all shudder. 

Except for the man with the vertical scar. 

Sie’s suspicions of him double. Could it be that the bear has taken over the man’s mind? 

**.oOo.**

“So how did it go with the guru? Did you master the Deus Ex Machina State?” toph asks.

“Uh …” He begins. 

_Pathik_ _If you leave now, you won't be able to go into the Avatar State at all!_

It is as though the man is speaking right into his ear. “Pathik, go back to your mountain, please, you’re not supposed to be in this scene.”

The guru coughs, “sorry, sorry I just think that I should have a little more screentime!” He declares. “Do you think that if I partner up with that cabbage merchant that I will get more screentime?” 

“I don’t know, master Pathik…”

“I think that onion and banana juice would go well with cabbage.”

“Yeah sure, mater Pathik but I really think that I should…”

“I can make onion and  _ strawberry  _ banana juice too.” He says.

“Sounds great but I…”

“Or onion and orange juice….”

“Master Pathik…?”

“Onion, orange and toothpaste juice!” 

**.oOo.**

“I think that it is time that you reveal your *~ _ really  _ cool~* part of our deal.” Long Feng declares. 

Azula shakes her head. “Not yet, I need my cabbage business to flourish first. After I see some gold pieces I’ll give you my *~ _ really  _ cool~* surprise.” 

“Look, merchant, I have no time for your games.”

“Oh, you think that this is a game.” Azula’s eyes narrow. “I will have you know that I take my cabbages very seriously…”

“That’s true.” Jet remarks. “Did you know that she has never done an activity that didn’t involve cabbages until last night.” 

“Jet!” Azula hisses. 

He holds up his hands in surrender. “Sorry!” 

Long Fang pinches the bridge of his nose. “Alright, fine. You can borrow our mind control devices, just don’t go  _ completely  _ ham.” 

“Can we go pork?” Jet asks.

“No.” 

“Steak?”

“No.”

“Peperoni?” 

“Absolutely not.”

“Oh so this mind control device is for vegans only?” Jet nods. 

“Correct.”

Azula blinks. “What does that even mean?” 

“It means that it is the perfect device to begin making people enjoy cabbages.” Long Fang declares. “Now get to it before my Dailluminati agents need to use it again.” 

“Where are they now?” She asks. 

“With my other business partner.”

Azula’s eyes narrow. “Your other business partner?” She folds her arms across her chest. “Well that person better not get in my way or you won’t be getting your *~ _ really  _ cool~* prize.”

**.oOo.**

“What's taking so long?” Zuko grumbles. “I have to go to the bathroom.” He adds through gritted teeth.

“Nephew, why didn’t you go before you left?” He asks. “I journed once knew a courageous and powerful man. He was intelligent and valiant. He rode into all of his battles with his head held high but with a humbleness. He had seen many great victories. He fought at Ba Sing Se, that was the first battle he had ever lost. And do you know why that is, nephew?”

“Why is that, uncle?”

“It is because he did not go to the bathroom before he set out to battle. And so instead of preforming his firebending forms, he did the pee dance.” 

“Oh.” Zuko replies. “That isn’t good.”

“No. It is not.” Iroh agrees with downcast eyes. “That man, Zuko, was me. It was not a proud moment. If you are going to ride into battle do it with a humble and merciful heart and an empty bladder. And then you will see conquest.” 

No sooner does he finish speaking does the Basco show up. 

“Something's not right.” Zuko notes.

The bear looks him directly in the eyes and he goes rigid. Something primal takes over, an instinct to perhaps play dead and hope that, that  _ thing  _ falls for it.

Princess Sie comes to stand before them, Dailluminati agents in tow. “Quick, catch it!” The princess points at the bear, contorting into a full body cringe. “It’s disgusting in a way that I can’t explain.”

The Dailluminati exchange glances before cautiously approaching Bosco. With the Dailluminati agents after the creature, Sei gives an awkward cough. “They were supposed to arrest you but that thing is a bit more pressing.” 

For once Zuko agrees with his sister. 

“Did I ever tell you how I got the nickname ‘the Dragon of the West’?”

Sei frowns, “I'm not interested in a lengthy anecdote, Uncle.”

“It's more of a demonstration, really.” He replies. Zuko flashes him a smile as he drinks his tea. He then clears his throat and unleashes a hideously loud pterodactyl screech. “They meant to say dinosaur, not dragon!” He calls as he dashes into the hallway. Unfortunately his absurdly obnoxious noise had distracted Zuko too. But the prince tries to play it off with a manly, “no! I'm tired of running! It's time I faced Sei!”

Iroh lets out another pterodactyl screech, but this one is made not as a power move but rather an expression of both dismay and disappointment. Knowing he can do nothing more for his stubborn nephew he makes his escape. 

“You're so dramatic. What? Are you going to challenge me to an Agni Kai?” Sie taunts. 

“I was actually hoping for a rap battle.”

“No thanks.” Sei says, he much prefers rock, paper, scissors. 

**.oOo.**

“I think you’re supposed to move it counter clockwise.” Jet suggests.

“Less talking more abs.” Azula mutters. 

“But…”

“You’re gorgeous and I think that we are perhaps in some sort of relationship which means that I...love you?” She pauses. “Not more than my cabbages, but I believe that I have some degree of affection for you…”

“Is it just because you like my abs?” 

Azula ponders the question. Truth be told, she isn’t sure. She thinks that this might be the first time that she has had love for anything that wasn’t a cabbage. And for that, she cannot quite place the origins of the feeling. She clears her throat. “You’re gorgeous and I love you, but you should remain quite because you don’t know what you are talking about. I am, in fact, operating the brainwashing device correctly.”

“Okay, I just...well I’m not sure if  _ that  _ was what was supposed to happen.” 

“He’ll be fine, it’s just a little blood. I’m pretty sure that’s normal. I sometimes bleed from the ears.”

“When?” Jet asks. 

“Well my other business partner, the man who runs the Jasmine Dragon, he sometimes does this really loud shriek when someone tries to dine and dash…” 

Jet nods. 

She nods back, she needs to stop letting him distract her. The avatar and the fire prince can only keep Sei and the Dailluminati distracted for so long. “Pull the lever, Jet.”

He gives pulls it up and a lantern begins moving around the track. “You like cabbages.” She states in a soothing coo. “And you want to buy my cabbages.” 


	7. Never Players

“This is madness.” 

“Go back to your own universe.” Azula frowns. 

“You can’t just brainwash people into joining your side.” The woman insists. 

“I can and I am.” Azula frowns. “And my boyfriend is helping me do it.” 

“My fiance once helped me commit monstrous crimes against humanity, it doesn’t end well.” The woman argues, her fern green eyes burning into her. 

“There is  _ nothing  _ monstrous about cabbages. If anything, I am helping them achieve healthier diets.” Azula folds her arms over her chest. 

“You’re going about this the wrong way.” The woman says. 

“Fuck you and your eyebrows!” Azula declares. 

The woman narrows her eyes. “I’m trying to keep you from making a mistake. Brainwashing people is unethical.” 

“Brainwashing people is unethical.” Jet mocks in the background. 

“Don’t tell me what’s unethical!” Azula snaps. “You tried to murder your fiance with a spirit canon!” She does not know where from she has acquired this knowledge. 

“I didn’t try to murder my fiance. He asked me for nudes, I misread the text and sent nukes.” She pauses. “Honestly, I think it was kinda hot.” 

“Yeah, I suppose that is kind of sexy.” Azula agrees as Jet mutters something about how it is actually quite horrifying.

“Who are you?’ Azula asks.

“I’m you, but Earth Kingdom.” The woman declares. 

“Fascinating.” Azula replies. It makes little sense being as this woman is older than she, but somehow, on an instinctual level that it is true. This woman...they are the same person. And if that is true, then she knows exactly how to get her to leave. “Your mother doesn’t love you.” A single tear slips down Azula’s cheek. But it is worth it, the woman shouts, “PROTEIN”, punches a hole through the wall with her foot, looks back, and gives Azula what has to be the most regal and well-mannered middle finger that she has ever seen. 

Yes. They definitely are, somehow, the same person.

Except Azula is the better her. Clearly, better. If nothing else, she has much better eyebrows than her swol, Earth Kingdom counterpart. 

With a final desperate look and another, “don’t do this, don’t make the same mistake I did…” the air around her closes in on her and sucks her back into whatever pocket in space that she had emerged from. 

“Yeah, fuck you, you better run!” Jet declares. 

“Jet, she got consumed by the universe.” Azula replies. “I got consumed by the universe.” She adds more softly. She turns back to her brainwashing equipment. If the man strapped to it wasn’t shitting bricks already, he certainly is now that he has witnessed that display. “Now. Where were we?” 

. **oOo** .

“Ooooor I can make onion and cranberry juice.” 

“Guru Pathik…” Aang grumbles. 

“How abo-ooo-ot…” He makes spazzical jazzhands. “...Onion and sulfuric acid juice!” 

**.oOo.**

“Thank goodness we're in time!” Sokka shouts.

“In time for what?” Kuei asks. 

Basco glowers at Sokka from the corner. “Nevermind…” boy says.”

TyLee pushes the matter with a, “Yeah. What are you in time for,” she wriggles her eyebrows. “cutie?”

“Uh, I'm kinda doing activites with Suki.” 

“Who?” TyLee asks. 

“I don’t think that those guys are Kyoshi warriors.” Toph says. 

“How do you know have you ever  _ seen  _ Kyoshi warriors.” Mai asks.

“No but I can smell the emo on you. I know what the clank of Hot Topic jewelry sounds like. Kyoshi warriors don’t recruit emos or anyone who uses axe bodyspray. Trust me, I know. I use axe bodyspray.”

Mai flinches, for she thought that she was the only one emo enough to access the secret interdimensional Hot Topic store. She must eliminate the competition at once. With a flick of her wrist she launches a daggers at the girl. One of them is shaped like a Keanu Reeves, she resents that Toph will not be able to fully appreciate its beauty. 

TyLee decides that productivity is second priority and takes to dancing with Sokka she makes a few jabbing disco motions which Sokka imitates. “Oooh, it's like we're fighting each other!”

**.oOo.**

“Everyone, stop!” Jet calls. “Hammer time!” 

“What’s hammer time?” Sokka asks asks. 

“Quiet, or I’ll run the Earth King through.” Azula says. 

Sie clears his throat, “mam, that’s a cabbage.”

“Yes.” Azula nods. She finds it most effective to hold enemies at cabbage point. “I assure you all that you don’t want to know what damage I can do with a single cabbage.”

“Okay, but I’m supposed to be the one holding the Earth King hostage.” 

“You are holding the Earth King hostage.” Long Feng says. 

“Then who is this?” Azula asks. 

“Oh I’m just Quin Bohyuk Ching Shang the fourth. I am a hunter of anomalies.” He pauses. “I am here for…” 

“I won’t let you hurt Basco!” Kuei declares from where Sie has him held at flame point. 

“You have no choice.” Sie declares. “This fight is over.”

Toph and Sokka drop their weapons and TyLee, being ever so cautious, chi blocks them. Momo, tries to fly but the Dailluminati are well aware that the creature is surprisingly and unapologetically jacked. He is also not allowed to be a Kyoshi warrior, for he too wears axe bodyspray. Knowing such, they encase him in stone. But Momo is not afraid, Momo can flex his way out of this if he has the desire. He hasn’t the desire though, he just wants some lychee berries. 

Having no more use for the Earth King, Sie shoves the king away. “Get them all out of my sight.”

“What. An. Asshole.” Azula mutters. “What kind of person does that?” She turns to Jet. “What kind of person holds an Earth King at flame point?” She asks as if she hadn’t fully intended on doing that herself. Jet does not point this out. Jet values his budding relationship with the socially inadequate cabbage merchant. 

Long Feng strides arrogantly into the room with some more Dailluminati agents in tow. “Now comes the part where I double cross you. Dailluminati, arrest the Fire Nation princess!” One of them steps forward, but this is only because he has tripped over Mai’s Keanu Reeves knife. “I said arrest him! What is wrong with you?!”

“It's because they haven't made up their minds.” Sie says. “They're waiting to see how this is going to end.” He casts a squeamish look at the cabbage merchant. He can see the malice in her eyes. She is plotting something. She is always plotting something. But what? 

“What are you talking about?” Long Feng asks. 

But he isn’t quite sure. The cabbage merchant is though. He can see it in that smug expression. He opens his mouth to speak but the merchant talks first. “I can see your whole history in your eyes. You were born with everything, so you never had to struggle, and connive, and claw your way to power. But true power, the divine right to rule, is something you work for.” Yes, indeed the divine right to rule is bestowed upon those who have earned it. The fire princess hasn’t earned it, not like she has. And Long Feng...well he definitely had the strugglys too she can see his whole history in his eyes (she in fact sees everyone’s histories in their eyes, she had once wanted to become a history teacher but she sacrificed that dream for greener cabbages) but he has not had to work as hard as she. And therefore he should not be blessed with the divine right to rule. “The fact is, they don't know which one of us is going to be sitting on that throne, and which one is going to be bowing down.” She adds.

Sie’s look of concern grows. “But I know, and you know.” She sits down on the throne and crosses her legs. “You have no idea who much these shoes hurt my feet.” 

Both Long Feng and Sie seem to deflate.

““Do I still get my ~* _ really _ cool~* prize?” The second Long Feng finally speaks up.

“I suppose.” Azula rolls her eyes. “I am, afterall, getting exactly what I want.” 

Long Feng squeals in delight and holds his hand out. 

“Jet.”

Jet steps forward. “Here you go.” He smiles. 

Long Feng unfolds the slip of paper. As he does so, Sie whispers, "we're really not going to talk about how there are two Long Fengs?" 

“Wh-what is this?” Long Feng asks. 

“It is dickbutt.” Azula replies. “I drew it myself.”

Long Feng deflates once more. “You’ve beaten me at my own game.” he remarks as a single manly tear rolls down Sie’s cheek.

Azula smirks, “Don't flatter yourself! You were never even players.” Her smile fades, for neither was she. 

Bosco grins in the corner. 

Azula swallows. 

They all swallow. 

Basco cackles. 


	8. Bosco Unleashed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like this chapter warrants a public apology. I am sorry, y'all.

“Soooo, are you Sei or Sie?” Long Feng asks?

“Eh, it depends on the day.” The princess shrugs. “Are you Long Feng or Long Fang?

“Good question.” Comments Long Feng. 

“He's Long Feng, I’m Long Fang.” Long Fang adds. 

“And I’m trying to get some sleep.” Azula grumbles. 

It has been a long day, ever since that bear had thrown them in a cell together, Azula has been subjected to nothing but emotional torment. She is surronded by fools, incompetent fools and she thinks that she herself may be one such fool for having been bested by a bear. 

Not that she believes that, that thing is truly a bear. 

The only thing that makes this situation more tolerable is that Jet has taken to snuggling up against her. Granted, Azula doesn’t know much at all about cuddling. In fact, she can’t name one time where anyone has initiated physical contact with her that didn’t involve attempted murder or worse still, destruction of her cabbages. 

Jet nuzzles his cheek against hers and begins petting her head, occasionally running his fingers through her bangs with a commented, “your bangs are so pointy.”

“Yes, yes. I know.” Azula nods. “I like to keep my bangs sharper than Chan’s outfit.” 

“WHO IS THIS CHAN!?” Jet asks. 

Azula thinks for a moment. “I--I don’t know.” And it is true, she doesn’t know. But she thinks that she probably should. 

“Oh, okay. Nevermind.” Jet resumes petting her hair. But he misses and instead pets her face. This is mildly annoying, but she lets him continue. 

“We have to get out of here.” Comments Katara. 

“I know, this place is unBEARable!” TyLee exclaims!

“Yeah, I’d like to leave before we have to watch the cabbage merchant make out with her promotion guy.” Mai mutters. She wishes that she had Keanu Reeves. He is the stabbiest of her knives, but she is damn near certain that Bosco has stolen him. 

“Sie, you’re a main character, get us out of here!” Zuko demands. 

“I’m working on it.” Sie says as he continues to not work on it. Instead he continues his game of tic-tac-toe with Long Feng. Or Long Fang. He isn’t sure who he is playing with. 

**.oOo.**

Kuei sweats nervously. It has been several hours already and Bosco is staring at him, just staring. He glances over at Iroh in a silent plea. But even the old man with all of his aged wisdom has no idea what to do about the bear. 

“What do you think it is?” Kuei whispers. 

The bear groans loudly and Keui begins to cry, “please don’t hurt me, I didn’t mean anything by the question.” 

Bosco laughs, it sounds distinctly human but there is something uncanny about it. Its voice is both a gurgle and a gruff masculan drawl--distinctly southern of accent. There is something so familiar about it, but Iroh cannot place it. 

He doesn’t try to plead with the bear nor beg for mercy because he knows that the bear is a soulless creature. 

Instead he says, “I know what you are.” 

“Say it?” Bosco half-whispers. “Say it out loud.” 

“Vampire.” Kuei says softly.

“Furry.” Iroh corrects. 

**.oOo.**

“Psst...merchant.” Comes a voice. One that is actually there and not just in her head. No, she has not yet reached that stage of her life, so the voice is very much real. But she doesn’t answer it, just in case. 

“Yes?” Asks Sie.

“No.” HIsses the voice. “Not you. I want to speak to the merchant.” 

Sie taps Azula’s shoulder. The merchant recoils in disgust. “Don’t touch me, peasant.” She says as though it is she who is the princess and he who is the cabbage-selling working class man. 

“The voice wants to speak with you.”

“Tell it that I am not here.” Azula replies. 

“You are here, I can see you.” The voice points out. 

“I can’t.” Toph grumbles. 

“That’s not Azula, that is a cabbage!” Jet declares helpfully, while pointing at Azula. 

“Do you all want to get out of here or not?” The voice asks. 

Now Azula’s interest has been piqued. “Show yourself.” 

For a moment nothing happens. But then two eyebrows appear. 

Nothing else. 

Just two eyebrows. 

But they are all Azula needs. 

“I’m listening.” 

“Stand back, all of you.” The voice instructs.

They collectively take a step back, except Long Fang who did not hear the woman because he has AirPods on. 

Earth Kingdom Azula does not hesitate. She furrows her brows really hard and unleashes a blast of purple spirit energy. It is a powerful blast, one that harmed no one but Long Fang (who did not move out of the way, for he was listening to to Whatcha Say on his AirPods) and Baatar Jr. who had spontaneously metralized in front of the beam. 

“Not again!” He shouts as Long Fang’s airpods sound, “mmm whatcha sa-ay.” 

The spirit energy makes contact and in a bright purple flash, the captives are free. Baatar and Long Fang lay on the ground, charred but not bleeding nor blackened so as to maintain a PG13 rating. 

They are dead. Unlike with Jet, it is abundantly clear. They  **did not** survive. They are completely 110% dead as hell. There is no coming back from this. In fact, if things didn’t need to be kept PG13, then the viewer would know for a fact that they are so dead that they can barely be recognized. 

It was a brutal death. 

But it is going to be swept under the rug because Earth Kingdom Azula is a protagonist. Now, if Bosco or Ozai had been the one to make the shot, then it's a problem. But since it was a protagonist who had done the killing, it is morally correct. 

Azula knows that she is on thin ice, for she is either a protagonist or an antagonist depending on where her cabbages take her. In this instance, her cabbages and her forced alliance with the very destructive and cruel cabbage obliterating Avatar have made her a protagonist. She seizes the opportunity to kill one of the Dialluminati while she has the hero pass. 

Earth Kingdom Azula makes a sound of disgust and remorse. Azula isn’t sure if the sound had been directed at her or if she had made it in reference to having killed her own fiance for the greater good. 

It doesn’t matter. For they are the same person anyways. 

“Thanks Earth Kingdom Azula!” Jet smiles. 

“Oh my name is…”

“Yeah nice work Earth Kingdom Azula.” Toph gives her an affectionate slap on the back. 

“I’m…” the woman tries again. 

“You and your eyebrows are heros, Earth Kingdom Azula.” Aang smiles. 

“Well yes, thank you but you can call me…”

“Fuck you, Earth Kingdom Azula.” Baatar says as his ghost floats up and away. Earth Kingdom Azula sheds a single tear because she knows that he knows her real name. She wonders if this means that their marriage is off. 

She has no time to contemplate it; the universe swallows her up again. She is an anomaly and she isn’t supposed to be there. 

“Quick!” Azula shouts, “lets leave before the universe can right itself!” Even as she says it, the wall begins to close as if it had never been blasted away. 

**.oOo.**

“That’s right.” Bosco gives a vicious smirk. 

A bead of nervous sweat trickles down Kuei’s temple. 

“I am a furry.” The bear rises to its full height. He removes the head of his fursuit to reveal a moderately attractive Filipino American man.

“Who are you?” Iroh asks, “and why do you sound like my nephew.”

“Isn’t it obvious, old man? I’ve been dropping hints since the last chapter.” Basco pauses. 

Iroh and Kuei exchange glances. 

“I am Dante Basco.” 

Iroh and Kuei gasp in unison. 


	9. uwu

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I would like to inform everyone that I almost added this chapter to a totally different fic. More specifically the mature rated fic about Azula and the apocalypse.

Iroh furrows his brows. “It cannot be!” He declares. No, the bear must be lying. “Dante Basco is a good man.” 

Bosco puts the head of his fursuit back on, cackling maniacally. 

“What are you really?” The Earth King asks. He knows that he will receive no answer. Decidedly, he doesn’t want an answer at all. Anything that uses layers upon layers of illusions and disguises is not meant for human eyes. No, he doesn’t want to think about the true form of this abomination. 

Bosco makes himself cozy upon the Earth King’s throne. “entewtain me, foow.” He says with a uwu and looks to the Earth King. Years of being treated as a mere pet rather than the formidable and all powerful being that he is, has made him bitter. It is now the Earth King’s turn for humiliation. 

“You do not have to do this.” Iroh speaks up. He does not know what exactly ‘this’ entails. But he does not want to find out. 

And with good reason. Bosco has terrible and horrific plans. Plans that start with yiffing a dragon; he has his eyes on the Dragon of the West, not realizing that he is actually the Pterodactyl of the West. 

Plans that end with total dimensional take over. He has taken many universes, it is always subtle at first; small tears in time and space that expose those in that universe to eldritch horrors such as himself, moments where universes bleed into each other, and other unremarkable happenings. 

Bosco doesn’t know what subtly is, he often confuses ‘subtle’ for ‘bold’. 

He has just finished destroying Earth Kingdom Azula’s universe. The woman had made a large spirit canon and had been blasting it off left and right. It was free real estate. He recalls fondly how she had used the spirit canon to cook her toast and, by extension, finally creating the opening that he had been waiting for. 

“This is some damn good toast.” She had said to Baatar, who had somehow survived the first time she had blasted him with her spirit canon. “Really damn good toast.” 

What Bosco hadn’t realized was that the damn good toast had mutated her eyebrows, giving them super powers. The ability to shoot spirit energy from them. And so he had to eliminate her and her eyebrows.

Though the damage has already been done. 

He sees that now as a very timid princess and a very irreparably furious Cabbage Merchant emerge. 

Bosco thinks faintly that he shouldn’t have unhinged his jaw, revealing a bleak galaxy swirling with his gaping maw, to consume the merchant’s cabbage stall. 

“This is over bear.” She declares. 

“He’s not a bear!” The Earth King shouts. “He’s a...f-f-furry and he might be Dante…”

Iroh cuts him off, “he is not Dante Basco. He lies.”

Azula stares at her potential business partner, waiting for him to further explain. 

“He is the Loch Ness Monster!”

Azula swallows, for this is all her fault. 

Three dollars and fiddy cents, that had been the agreement made by the ancient leaders. Three fiddy to satiate the eldritch abomination that threatens to collapse their universe. Every hundred years one person is elected to make a noble sacrifice to save the world from total collapse. To sacrifice their hard earned cash. 

That person is the Avatar. 

Only the Avatar master of all four elements, could produce exact change. 

But then everything changed when the Bumi attacked. 

On a day in mid-January Bumi had shouted, “I dare you to lick that pole.” 

Avatar Aang, knowing very well that he had to kick the ass of a Fire Lord, but not wanting to look like a coward in front of his friends who had taken to chanting, ‘do it, do it, do it!’ Had approached the pole and gave it a good lick. Unfortunately he could not pry is tongue from the spot so he remained there until a thick wall of ice formed around he and his bison.

One hundred years passed and the Loch Ness Monster was forced to accept a new sacrifice, a cabbage merchant named Azula. She still has a lot to learn (not that she will admit as much) and no one believes that she can save the world (she doesn’t really want to anyhow). 

“I paid your price, demon!” Azula shouts.

“Those were counterfeit bills!” He declares. 

Azula gulps, so he has seen through her illusions. “I was in a hot spring, I didn’t have cash on me at the time.” 

“Ooooooooh.” Bosco nods. “Well why didn’ you just say so?” 

“Because that’s embarrassing.” Jet declares for her. “I mean what kind of madman bathes without carrying at least five dollars on them!?” 

Azula shoots him a sharp glare and he mutters an apology. 

“Someone who is a peasant.” Sie declares.  _ Man,  _ he has been wanting to say that. “A peasant who couldn’t sell enough cabbages.”

Azula’s eyes widen in both anger and shock. “Perhaps I’d have been able to sell more if some people didn’t keep annihilating my stall!”

Aang whistles innocently to himself as if he hadn’t, at one point, airbended her cabbage stand into a sinkhole. As if his bison never swallowed it whole. As if he didn’t lead a band of angry firebenders in her path who had set fire to her cabbages. 

Her fury simmers, but she keeps her composure. She takes a deep breath. “I didn’t want to have to do this.” She says quietly to Jet. “Hold my beer, you gorgeous man.” But she does not have a beer because she is only fourteen. 

She takes her bangs in her hands and snaps them off. 

“What the hell?” One of the Dailluminati exclaims. 

“There’s a reason why I keep my bangs sharper than Chan’s outfit!” She declares as she plunges her ridiculously pointy bangs into Bosco’s chest. The bear/Loch Ness Monster thing flashes a quick owo and lets out a roar. Azula is undisturbed, her cabbages will protect her. Bosco swipes at her and gives an uncannily cute ‘awoo’. 

She stabs him again. 

“youw bangs wont wowk on me uwu!” He declares. “stab aww chu want~ i am immowtaw”

Azula knows now that it is true. Loch Ness Monster, Dante Basco, bear, the spawn of Cthulhu, whatever else he may be, is undeniably a furry. 

She gives him one final stab. When it doesn’t work she narrows her eyes. “Okay, bear, it’s time to face your doom!” She takes a deep breath as she prepares to enter her final form. In a flashy display of glimmering sparkles and a cheerful pop instrumental, she enters her magical girl transformation. 

Instead of her merchant’s rags, she now wears a crop top with a cabbage brooch, a mini skirt with a belt of emerald cabbages, and knee high neon green boots. The looks is completed by a cabbage tree hat that matches the outfit only in name. 

Having completed her magical girl transformation, she gives a snide wink and shouts, “cabbage canon blast!” She holds her hands over her head and a large cabbage appears, it is outlined in glowing green and glitters in the sunlight.

It hurtles towards Bosco who BEARly leaps out of the way in time. 

“Cabbage leaf lash!” She calls and summons several bladed cabbage leaves. 

They cut into Bosco’s fur and he gives a yip and another owo!!! “chu wiww pay fur dis!” 

He gives a sonic roar which lands Azula on her back. She quickly gets to her feet. “Cabbage lotus barrage!” Several absurdly large cabbages sprout from the ground and burst open, blasting off green energy. 

The bear awooo’s in pain. But he gets up and springs upon Azula. 

She cringes, it has been a while since she has had to resort to a combo strike. “Cabbage lotus leaf barrage!”

The words seem to echo as most magical girl spell declarations do. It is for dramatic effect. 

This time when the cabbage petals open they show bladed cabbage leaves with them. Bosco opens his mouth and sucks it all into to his blackhole maw. 

“Fufufufufu.” He laughs. 

Azula stumbles back. 

“It’s going to be okay.” Jet says as he takes her into his arms. But she doesn’t think that it will be. No one has ever escaped the cabbage lotus leaf barrage. 

“It’s not going to be okay.” Azula whispers. That had been her most powerful attack. “He’s going to kill all of us.” 

Jet hugs her tighter as Bosco looms over them. Azula closes her eyes. If she is going to die, she is going to finally do it. She kisses Jet. This isn’t special nor is it what she was finally going to do, in fact she has done that several times already off screen. 

She kisses Jet and pulls out a bottle of green hair dye. Quickly she dyes her hair bright green. 

“You’re beautiful.” Jet mumbles into her ear. 

Azula nods, “I know.” 

Bosco still looms over them, claws extended, bound by the laws of storytelling to wait until their dialogue has finished to strike. 

Sie, having become a master at evading scripts uses this time to muster up his courage. He has no love whatsoever for the Cabbage Merchant and her adonis-looking boyfriend. He has even less love for Long Feng, the Avatar and friends. He doesn’t like his brother and uncle either and only has moderate platonic affections for Mai and TyLee. But he hates Bosco so much more. And despite his ill opinions on all of his companions, he can’t just let them die. 

Sie throws his timidness to the side and then throws himself between Bosco and the Cabbage Merchant. 


	10. owo

“Wow, we’ve been standing here like this for a long time.” Sie remarks. “What like a week now? Geeze.” 

At last time unfreezes and Bosco slashes his unforgiving claws at Sie. The princess crumples and the bear roars in triumph. He holds one of his paws out,“chu have one mowe chance mewchant~ give me uwu thwee fifty.” 

Azula clutches her hard earned coins to her chest. “Not a chance.” She scowls. “If you want three fifty, you’re going to have to sell cabbages like everyone else.”

“You’re the only person who sells cabbages.” Jet whispers. 

Sie reaches up and takes Azula’s hand, “I know that we’ve been rivals for a very long time...but...never stop…” he wheezes. “Selling cabbages. If you make it to the Fire Nation...tell my father...that furries are real.” 

Azula nods in agreement, knowing very well that she will not honor his final wishes. She doesn’t think that she will have the chance. She stands up and looks the bear straight in the eyes, which is particularly hard for her because she is very small. 

The Dai Li earthbend a step stool for her. 

Now she looks Bosco straight in the eyes. 

In them she sees nothing but destruction and a vast, insatiable hunger for violence, bloodshed, and funds for his latest fursuit. 

Azula scans the ground for something useful...anything. She sees it, her last chance. Using the last of the strength afforded to her by the power of her cabbages, Azula summons one final cabbage. It blossoms to an impressive size and one of its leaves falls open. Azula hastily takes the object inside and stabs the bear. 

He gives one last, pained, “owo” before falling over, a Kenu Reeves knife jutting from his chest. 

“You saved us!” Katara remarks. 

“Yes.” She replies solemnly, knowing that Katara will not be thanking her soon. Jet scrambles to his feet and throws his arms around her. He gives her a kiss on the cheek, but once again he misses, and so he kisses her eyelid instead. Which is mildly annoying, but at least she has a boyfriend. She makes a mental note to help him work on his aim. 

Regardless, she hugs him back. 

“Come on nephew, we have to get back to our tea shop.” She hears Iroh declare. But he doesn’t get the chance to depart for Sie stands up. 

“You can go back to the tea shop, or you can come with me.”

“You're not the man you used to be, Zuko.” Iroh declares. Though Zuko has not had enough scenes to know exactly what sort of man he used to be. “You are stronger and wiser and freer than you have ever been. And now you have come to the crossroads of your destiny. It's time for you to choose. It's time for you to choose tea.”

“Why choose tea when you can have cabbages?” Azula asks. Granted, she is still hoping to merge her business with the tea shop man. 

A cage of crystals begins to form around Iroh and Azula flinches. If he is taken prisoner then that partnership will never come to fruitation and she will never get her roasted duck and pan-fried noodles. 

“I expected this kind of treachery from Uncle.” Sie says. After the complete chaos Bosco created, Sie finds himself rather relieved to be back on script. So he follows it word for word, even though it would be much funner to call Zuko a lil’ bitch instead of a traitor. “But Zuko, Prince Zuko, you're a lot of things, but you're not a traitor, are you?” One of those things is definitely a lil’ bitch though.

“Release him immediately!” Zuko demands as if he has the right. 

“It's not too late for you, Zuko. You can still redeem yourself.” Sie says intensely and with a smug smile. Man, he is really getting into character now!

“The kind of redemption he offers is not for you.” Iroh remarks. 

“Why don't you let him decide, Uncle?” Princess Sie asks before turning to Zuko. “I need you, Zuko. I've plotted every move of this day,” He balls his hand into a very passionate fist. “This glorious day in Fire Nation history, and the only way we win is together. At the end of this day, you will have your honor back. You will have Father's love. You will have a...*~brand new car~*! You will have everything you want.”

“Zuko, I am begging you. Look into your heart and see what it is that you truly want.” Iroh pleads. 

He looks into his heart and he  _ really  _ does want that *~brand new car~*! 

Azula just wants her spiritdammed roast duck and a blooming business! But Iroh didn’t ask her. 

“You are free to choose.” Sie says simply.

“If he doesn’t take the car, can I have it?” Azula asks.

That seals the deal, “I’ll come with you, Sie.” 

It is hard to tell who groans harder, Azula, Iroh, or every viewer that has ever viewed Avatar. For a moment, Iroh’s peaceful demeanor slips. “Zuko.” He takes a long pause. A very extended pause. “Fuck you.”

“That’s fair.” Zuko says. 

What he says to Sie has been redacted for the safety of the reader. But Sie replies with a tearful, “if you know how I feel, why would you say that?”

The Dailluminati all exchange glances before reluctantly capturing Iroh. They know that they are going to have to listen to him tear them new assholes the whole way home. 

“So…” Mai trails off. 

“Aren’t we supposed to have some huge battle or something?” TyLee asks. 

“I don’t know.” Sie says. “Probably but we just got done fighting the furry…”

“Yeah,” Aang rubs the back of his head. “I don’t think that I have round two in me.” 

Katara and Sokka nod in agreement. 

“I don’t know, I think I can still kick some ass!” Toph declares before punching her own palm. 

“I think that we’re done fighting.” Zuko gives his input. 

They all turn to Azula and Jet. Jet looks at Azula for she is the brains of their duo, he is only the abs and pecks. He flexes them to remind everyone. “Stop that.” Azula mutters. 

“Sorry.” He whispers. 

“Well?” Sie asks. 

Azula gives her answer in the form of sweet, sweet vengeance. Using what is left of her hero pass, Azula sends a cabbage charged with electricity at Aang. “That’s for getting wall sludge all over my cabbages, bitch.” Her work is done. She links her arm with Jet’s and tugs him out of the catacombs. 

Princess Sie looks on in horror. 

Zuko smirks.

Katara screams.

Iroh continues to cuss at the Dialluminati as they cart him off.

Bosco fades back into the void. 

Haru begins to grow out his mustache. 


	11. Like A Cabbage To A Flame

Azula feels a faint sense of accomplishment as she lounges in her booth at the Jasmine Dragon. It is a shame that the old man in charge has been arrested, even with all of the ingredients, she can’t seem to make roast duck the way he does. She sighs, why does this victory feel so empty? She should be thrilled, she has just taken down the boy responsible for consistently destroying her cabbage stalls.

Yet, she can’t help but to feel this sense of incompletion. A soft inkling that somehow the boy has survived and that her cabbages are still very much in danger. It helps less that Princess Sie has stolen half of her Dialluminati agents. One of the remaining agents had apologetically informed her that the other half were off to a top secret conference for the lizard people. 

He was killed immediately. 

She had to flee, for she now knows too much. This, she realizes, is a recurring problem in her life. She is an intelligent young cabbage merchant and people fear that kind of intellectualism. 

She looks up from her stolen meal and shudders. 

A man in black glares at her from across the vacant tea shop.

He has been following her for the better part of the day, occasionally holding up signs that read, ‘surrender your memories and we won’t hurt you’ and ‘you’ve heard nothing’ and ‘your reality isn’t real, you aren’t real’ and ‘Tin-Tin’s Turnips, only 2 copper pieces!’’

She thinks that, that last guy is confused as to what the Dialluminati’s objectives are. That or he is not part of the Dialluminati at all, he is simply trying to advertise and the extra signage is hindering his business. 

No matter, Azula drinks from her tea. She refuses to let pesky secret agents slow her down, not after such a grand victory. With the avatar out of the way, she can sell cabbages without fear. Really, she has arrived at a new high point in her career, she is in the perfect position to begin expanding her business. 

She has come to a striking realization. A realization that she is wasting her talents here in the Earth Kingdom where these savages have not acquired a taste for the delicacy that is a good cabbage. Indeed she has traveled all about the Earth Kingdom and for her troubles, has only received little pay off. 

Well she is done dealing with and fraternizing with barbarians. It is time to move on. She knows in her heart that the Fire Nation is where she belongs! Now those are people with the riches and class to appreciate the wonders and unbridled joys of a perfect cabbage. 

All she has to do is get Jet to stop hissing and screeching whenever she mentions firebenders and the Fire Nation. “REEEEEEEE!” He yells, and swipes his claws at her. 

“Come on, Jet, we need to do this.” 

“REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!” He screeches again, but this time with more passion. He flings himself from the table. 

“Jet.” She says firmly. 

She is met with another hiss. 

The Dailluminati agent tasked with stalking her judges her from the table on the other side of the tea shop. 

**.oOo.**

“You seem so downcast. Has Mai gotten to you already?” Sei (for he hasn’t spelled his name that way in a while) is well aware of Mai’s ability to spread her drab demnor. It is her superpower. She doesn’t know it, but she is a type of spiritbender; left unchecked, this will become a problem. It is already a minor issues, as she is unknowingly adding gloom to the auras of many around her. “Though actually, Mai has been in a strangely good mood lately.” It is probably because Zuko is home and she knows that they can make out in the turtle duck pond again. 

“I haven't seen Dad yet.” Zuko replies. “I haven't seen him in three years, since I was banished.”

_ Well no shit _ , Sei thinks. He really does hate it when there is a forced plot summary, especially when a show has been at least ten years past its conclusion. But then again, it has never been discussed that Zuko had been banished for leaving his socks just laying around the house, despite father politely requesting that he does not. Ozai has a fear of socks. In fact socks were outlawed in the Fire Nation. But Zuko somehow got his hands on contraband socks and was fool enough to leave them lying around. 

“So what?” Sei finally asks. 

“So, I didn't capture the Avatar!”

Sei rolls his eyes. “Who cares? The Avatar is dead, unless you think he somehow miraculously survived.”

Zuko seems to drift off then, thinking about something. Sei imagines that he is thinking about frozen yogurt. Seeming to come back into the present, Zuko replies, “This isn’t Mortal Combat, there's no way he could have survived.”

Sie (growing sick of spelling his name, Sei) glares down at Zuko. And Zuko glares up at him. And he glares down at Zuko who continues to glare up. And then they shift positions and glare at each other from a different angle. And Iroh glares at both of them from his cell. They cannot see it, but they can feel it. 

“Well, then I'm sure you have nothing to worry about.” This isn’t strictly true. He should be worried about Iroh. 

They should all be worried about Iroh. 

Iroh is very. Very. Angry. 

**.oOo.**

Azula frowns very intensely. “Jet, get down from there!” 

But the boy has gone absolutely feral. Azula sighs, she didn’t want to have to do this…

She wanders up to the Dailluminati agent. He flinches, never before in his days of following a target has the target approached him. Usually they just note his presence with sideways glances and nervous laugher. This girl is brazen. “Agent, you will help me transport my boyfriend to the Fire Nation.” 

She would do it herself but Jet is heavy in all his muscular, chiseled glory, and she is still very woefully small. “I will subdue him and you will carry him into the ship.” 

“I don’t know if I feel comfortable helping you abduct your boyfriend.”

“But you are comfortable abducting me and taking me to your shady lizard-person organization for memory erasure and possible re-education?” 

The Dailluminati agent chuckles nervously. 

“That is what I thought.” Azula declares. “Now, help me get him to the Fire Nation.” 

Jet throws himself at Azula who gives him a light zap. He recoils with another hiss. Azula shakes her head. “You are going to have to face your fear and hatred of the Fire Nation, Jet. It’ll be good for you and for our business.” 

On all fours he scampers into a corner, still hissing. 

“I didn’t want to have to do this…” She trails off, lightning dancing on her fingers.

“You’re not supposed to have lightningbending.” The Dailluminati agent declares. 

Azula scoffs, “And, you’re a background character, you’re not supposed to have any lines.” But it is too late, her lightningbending has been revoked. It is a good thing that she has a backup plan. 

She wanders into the backroom and fetches a spray bottle. “Don’t make me do this, Jet.”

**.oOo.**

Nighttime arrives in the Fire Nation. It has arrived several hours ago, in fact. Zuko has wasted his whole day away, brooding and sulking, and thinking about the avatar and failure. And he is about to waste his night away...and Sie’s...doing the same.

“Why'd you do it!?” He demands of the princess. 

“You're going to have to be a little more Pacific.” He coughs. “I mean, specific. Sorry, it’s three in the morning, I should be sleeping.” He gives his brother a pointed glare. 

“Why did you tell Father that I was the one who killed the Avatar?” He ignores the princess’ saltiness. 

“Can't this wait until the morning?” Sie grumbles. 

“It. Can.” Zuko replies. “But I want to make this conversation as aggravating as possible!”

Sie groans. “Fine.” He mutters. “You kept whining like a lil’ bitch because you hadn't captured the Avatar. I figured if I gave you the credit, you'd shut the hell up.” He shrugs.

“But why?”

He truly is trying to be annoying as hell. Rising from his bed, Sie says, “I just answered that.” 

“You're lying!” Zuko accuses. 

“No, I really did just want you to shut up.” Sie says. He realizes that he is being uncharacteristically unkind. Usually he is a timid man. He thinks that the power is getting to his head. He apologizes to Zuko.

“You have another motive for doing this, I just haven't figured out what it is.” Zuko rambles. Sie thinks that Bosco’s big reveal has pushed him back into his conspiracy theorist phase. 

“Please Zuko, what ulterior motive could I have? What could I possibly gain by letting you get all the glory for defeating the Avatar?” He muses. He decides that it is time to annoy Zuko back. So he encroaches in Zuko’s personal space. He puts a hand on his shoulder. “Unless, somehow, the Avatar was actually alive. How crazy would that be!? But you said it yourself, that was impossible.”

Zuko visibly shivers. But Sie is only trying to prep him for all of the possibilities. Things always tend to go amiss for him, he has learned to take every victory with a grain of salt. “Sleep well, Zuzu.”

Zuko’s nose crinkles at the nickname. 

**.oOo.**

“You need to stop crying. Crying is weak. We can’t afford weakness when making such a huge step in our business.” Azula says matter of factly.

“But I don’t wanna goooooo.” Jet wails as though he is not already in the middle of the ocean. 

“We are already on our way.” Azula declares. 

“But firebenders are evil!” 

Azula finds herself deeply offended, but she can’t place why. She is not a firebender. She is, when the plot calls for it, a cabbagebender. But mostly she is but a humble cabbage farmer tending to her cabbage crops. No less she replies, “some firebenders are actually somewhat decent.” She thinks that most people are more or less decent, so long as they aren’t particularly destructive of her cabbage stall.

Without warning, the boat lurches. The tides are growing restless. Azula frowns, she does not like tides. They slam into the boat once more. 

“These tides are making me nervous, captain.” A crew member cries out.

But it is not the tides that they should worry about. They should be worrying about her. She, who is growing more and more dissatisfied with every crash of the tides. A particularly strong slap sends ship furniture sliding. Azula’s eyes go wide. She watches as her cabbage stall sails, seemingly in slow motion, over the railings.

“My cabbages!” Azula laments to the swirling, merciless, sea. 


	12. A Cabbage In The Fire

Jet folds his arms over his chest. “I hate it here.”

“We just got here.” Azula reminds him. 

“And I already hate it.” 

Azula rolls her eyes, just how is she supposed to sell cabbages when he is approaching the Fire Nation with  _ that  _ attitude. She scans the crowd for potential customers, coming to the first woman she begins her spiel, “I am selling cabbages.” Normally this would be when Jet flexes his biceps, but the only thing he is using his biceps for is to firmly uphold his crossed arms. 

“This is dumb.” She can hear him mutter if she listens hard enough. 

The woman begins to walk away.

“You will by a cabbage.” Azula declares. “If you don’t, I will be forced to...persuade you.” She gives a devilish grin. 

The woman only offers her a deadpan stare. It would seem that the Fire Nation hosts a tough crowd. Azula is now frowning, this time around there is no drill to capitalize on the urgency of a doomsday.

If only she still had her Dailluminati agents and their brainwashing technology. Sie will pay for swiping them from her. She peers at the remaining Dailluminati agent, tasked with stalking her. He shrugs, “I don’t know what to tell you.” He then coughs awkwardly as he recalls that he is not supposed to talk to her. 

“I suggest that you buy a cabbage.” Azula comments to the next passerby. He rushes by, seemingly without taking notice of her. He is not the only person to do so. In fact, everyone seems to be in a state of hurried panic. She takes a moment to observe her surroundings. 

The streets are somewhat trashed; a mess of parchment, fragments of glass, and a scatter of debris. The air smells of smoke and feels of danger. She notices that some windows of nearby shops are smashed out and that vending stalls are overturned A quick look to the left reveals an array of flaming buildings--though she is pretty sure that this is normal for the Fire Nation. 

“What’s with this place?” Azula mutters. 

“I know!” Jet says too loudly. “Everything is on fire.”

“No, no, I’m not talking about that. I’m pretty sure that’s how it’s supposed to be.” She replies as a shrinking man runs by, also on fire. Standard Fire Nation living. Azula pushes her stall to a place where the flames prove to be less hazardous. “My cabbages can extinguish the fire that is burning you alive!” She declares to the first flaming person that she sees. This captures the man’s attention. He pauses, but before he can by a cabbage, he crumples to the ground. 

“I don’t think that the citizens are supposed to be on fire.” Jet points out. 

Azula thinks that he might be right. Afterall, earthbenders are not encased in earth and waterbenders aren’t in a constant state of drowning. “I think that this Nation is in trouble.”

“It’s not just our nation.” Says another citizen. 

“Oh?” Azula quirks a brow. 

“We are in a state of national emergency.” The woman says. 

Gruff hands shove her aside. “Search it!” Azula realizes with rising concern that the gruff hands belong to a burly guard. 

“Do you think that it’s infected?” His partner asks. 

The man picks through Azula’s cabbages. “If you aren’t going to buy them, then don’t touch my cabbages.” She feels prickles of annoyance rising in her belly, with each finger that fall upon one of her pristine, hard-grown cabbages. “There is a touching fee of one copper piece.” She tries, with an addition of one of her best glares. Most people retract their hands immediately, but this man...he is fearless. He picks out a cabbage and twists it about, inspecting it from all angles. 

He exchanges a look with his companion and gives her a nod. Azula does not like the apologetic look that she is given. She drops into a firebending stance, hoping that they will believe that she is a prodigious firebender and stand down. “I don’t know about this.” The woman says. “She looks pretty deadly.” 

“Yuza, she is probably no more that five feet tall! I think that you can handle one teeny cabbage merchant.” 

Azula’s eyes narrow. “I will have you know that I took down a furry!”

“Ha!” The man gives a hearty belly laugh. “We’ve all fought at least one of those, it is a rite of passing!”

“I banished Bosco back into the void.” She clarifies. 

The woman’s eyes go wide and she shoots a look at her partner. This time his laugh is of the nervous variety. He coughs awkwardly, “yes, well, unfortunately there are things more frightening than you and Bosco.”

Now Azula is truly confused through and through; everyone is afraid of her! So much so that even when she is trying to be approachable it comes off as uncanny and off putting. Ever since her conception, people have looked at her with fear, one person had even called her the anti-christ! 

She thinks that that person might have been her mother. 

“What can possibly be more intimidating than me?” Azula asks. On a normal day she would be decently offended by the implication that she is unapproachable. But it is to her advantage now so she will defend it until the day she dies--rather until it becomes a hindrance again. 

The guards give a uniformed shudder. “Just follow orders and you will never have to find out.”

“Will do, good sir.” Jet smiles as Azula decides to herself that she will be ignoring any order given to her henceforth. 

She watches the woman’s palm come to life with the roar of a fire. Azula goes tense. “I am going to have to demand that you take several steps back.” She says firmly. “You are holding your flames much too close to my cabbages.”

“Yes.” Says glumly and with a sullen nod. “I apologize, young merchant.” 

“My cabbages!” Azula hollars as the woman sets the stall aflame. “W-why?” She can feel tears burning behind her eyes. 

“They were infected.” The man informs her. 

**.oOo.**

“This is your fault!” Sie hears his father roar. 

“How is this my fault!?” Zuko screams back.

Ozai sniffs, “we didn’t plagues before you came back.” 

Sie flinches, if the plague is Zuko’s fault and he had brought his brother home, then it is technically his fault that their nation is sick. By all means, he could inform their father of this, in fact that would be the noble thing to do. But he is still a timid man and the last thing he wants is his father’s wrath. And besides, he is already blaming the possibility of the Avatar’s re-emergence on his brother, what’s one more thing?

“Maybe if you offered better healthcare we wouldn’t be in this situation!” Zuko boldly declares. 

Sie can practically see their father sputtering out his reply. “Or maybe if we closed off our borders to Earth Kingdom trash…”

Sie wishes that his father would stop pointing the finger and begin working on solving the problem at hand. He thinks that a quarantine may be optimal. 

**.oOo.**

Azula clutches the remains of her cabbages, she has managed to salvage exactly twelve of them. A single tear works its way down her cheek. “Here, hold these.” She hands Jet six. She takes one back, “actually, I want to hold that one. You can have this one.” She gives him a different one.

“Now.” She says. “This could work to our advantage!”

“How?” Jet asks. 

“Supply and demand, Jet!” She declares. “We have a limited quantity of cabbages and I would imagine that in these dangerous times, food is sparse.” She explains. “I do believe that we can ridiculously overprice them! We can capitalize on this disaster.”

“Shouldn’t we try to...I don’t know, help out instead of trying to take advantage of these people?” 

Azula rolls her eyes. “Help them? You hate firebenders, remember?”

“Oh yeah!” Jet recalls. “Fuck these guys, let’s charge them an absurd amount and make them want to pay more! We can tell them that our cabbages hold the cure!” 

“Brilliant, Jet!” Azula exclaims with a smirk. “Now, you’re getting it.” 

With her vigor restored, Azula makes her way down the chaotic streets. 

“Medicinal cabbages! Get your medicinal cabbages!” Jet bellows. Unfortunately his words are lost under a cacophony of terrified screams. “Medicinal cabbages!” He calls again. 

Azula decides to take a more direct approach. Careful to maintain her distance, she prods the first passer by she sees with a very long stick. The woman turns to face her. “Yes, hello, I am selling medicinal cabbages.” She holds one up. “I suggest you buy one before you succumb to disease, supplies are limited.

The woman shakes her head. “There’s only one thing that can help us now.” 

“Let me guess. Agni will save you?” She quirks a brow. “The spirits will save you?”

Jet, picking up some of Azula’s habits, gives a haughty sniff, “your gods can’t save you now! Only cabbages.”

The woman shakes her head once more. “We know that, our gods abandoned us long ago.” 

Azula quirks a brow, “but this disease is new, at most it was discovered a week ago.” 

“And we already know that there is only one thing that can help us…” She trails off and takes a look at a forming crowd. Azula watches someone leave the crowd with something bundled under their arms like some sacred artifact. Its holder’s eyes glimmer with joyus and hopeful tears, “thank you spirits!” He declares, “thank you!” 

Azula observes the crowd for at least a half an hour as it thins. Occasionally she tries to coax a potential customer her way, but they are all captured by the competitor. At last, she glimpses what precious merchandise the man is selling. 

Azula approaches the stall. 

The man flashes her a smile. “Ah, you must be here for a roll of protective paper.” 

“This,” she pokes at the object in front of her, “is toilet paper.” 

“It will deliver you from infection.” 

“It will help me clean my asshole.” Jet grumbles.

Azula does not appreciate his crass remark. “Just because you are a peasant, doesn’t mean you have to speak like one.”

“But it’s true!” Jet throws his hands up. 

“Are you going to buy protective paper or not!?” The man standing behind Azula asks. “Because if you aren’t, get out of the way.”

“Sir, you are being misled. Toilet paper cannot protect you from this disease. Only my medicinal cabbages can.”

“The wench lies!” Declares her competitor. “You all know that my protective paper will set you free!” 

“Honestly.” Azula rolls her eyes, feeling wholly exhausted. “What sounds more plausible? Using herbs to cure illness,” she holds up her cabbage. “Or magical, protective toilet paper. I understand that you are all panicking, but do yourselves a favor and make the logical choice.”

A murmur ripples through the crowd. “We will!” Speaks someone on behalf of all of them. Azula gives a satisfied smile that is quickly erased when they push past her and swarm the toilet paper merchant. 

Azula folds her arms and snarls. This is completely absurd, they already had their plague episode back in season two. Azula distinctly remembers Sie using Mai’s brother as a bargaining chip. She remembers because this is the very same episode wherein she was turned away at the gates because outside produce was a danger to Omasok. She doesn’t know why they need a second pandemic. 

She watches the crowd swell in size. 

“I don’t understand.” Azula frowns. “I am offering them medicinal cabbages and yet they are hoarding toilet paper. Only an absolute fool would...” She pauses, realizing that Jet is no longer at her side. Her stomach lurches nervously as she turns her eyes to the toilet paper stall. “Oh, Jet…” she shakes her head sadly. 

He had been right all along, coming to the Fire Nation was a bad idea. 

**.oOo.**

Sie tries to make himself as small as possible in his chair. Maybe if he sinks low enough, father won’t notice him. Zuko sits next to him, equally as nervous. TyLee has long since been evicted from the room for giggling. Sie has to suppress one of his own as he looks his father in the eye. 

The Fire Lord has wrapped a thick layer of toilet paper around his neck and a thinner layer over his mouth. It is woven into his hair and beard and is wrapped around his hands. He rests his chin on his hands as he looks upon the siblings. 

“Now, I don’t know which one of you two bought illness back with you from the Earth Kingdom, but the consequences will be dire.” He emphasizes this with an explosive burst of fire. His brows twitch and he scowls, “now look what you made me do.” He reaches for one of the several dozen toilet paper rolls stashed behind his throne and re-wraps his hand.

But it is neither Zuko nor Sie’s fault that the man had burned the first layer away. They don’t say as much.

“One of you, perhaps both of you, have shamed our nation with your sickness…”

Sie respectfully raises his hand.

Ozai nods. 

“But neither myself nor Zuzu are sick.” He points out.

“Then whose fault is this?” Ozai drums his fingers upon the conference table.

Though none of the three know it, it is neither Zuko nor Sie’s fault. It isn’t the fault of Ozai and his poor healthcare system either. Nor is it any of the Earth Kingdom arrivals nor Dialluminati agents’. It is, in actuality, Iroh’s wrath coming to fruition. 

Zuko should not have betrayed the man. 

Had Zuko just been a kind and thoughtful nephew, Iroh wouldn’t have sent a plague to destroy them all. 

**.oOo.**

Far from the palace a cabbage merchant sits by herself mourning the loss of her cabbage stall, her business, and Jet’s remaining two brain cells. She sighs. Things are much different now that they are in the Fire Nation. 

She watches Jet eat a square of toilet paper and she knows that the inevitable has come. She knows what she has to do. She stands up and approaches him. 

“Oh, hey, Azula!” He greets through a mouthful of toilet paper. 

“Jet.” She starts firmly. “I think that it is time we part ways.” It is a simple and clean cut. Yet it still puts a sorrowful pang in her heart. It doesn’t matter, she knows in her heart that she is not meant for partnership. Hard as it is to admit, she had done better when it was just she and her cabbages. 

Jet has become a distraction at best. At worst, he is sapping away her intelligence. For spirit’s sake, she had drawn a picture of dickbutt! She is losing herself and it is time to choose what matters. 

Cabbages. 

“This has everything to do with you.” Azula states, matter of factly. “You are an unrepentant idiot and I cannot work with that.”

Jet blinks. 

“If I am going to have any success, I am going to have to get rid of dead weight.” 

“Oh, wo-ow.” Jet says. “Just because I died in season two doesn’t mean I’m dead weight.” 

“Yes, Jet. It does.” Azula replies. 

“Well, fine!” Jet yells. “You don’t care about anything but your cabbages anyways!” He accuses. 

“Yes.” Azula agrees. “That is what I just told you. And you are hindering my ability to sell them.” She tentatively brushes her fingers over the leaves of her cabbages. “So I advise you to leave my sight at once.” 

As things usually happen, a portal opens up before them. 

“Your ride is here.” 

Jet throws his roll of toilet paper on the ground. “Fine! But when your business crumbles, don’t come crying to me! Oh wait! Your business can’t crumble because there’s no success  _ to _ crumble!” He declares as he steps into the portal. 

His words hit her like a strike to the face. She will show him. She will show all of them. She will be the best cabbage merchant in Fire Nation history. 

Like a ghost of the past, Jet’s roll of discarded toilet paper unravels as it makes its way down the hillside. The night and the world around her has gone quiet. She is alone once more. Alone and faintly regretful. She picks up a cabbage and hugs it to her chest.

This is how it is supposed to be, she tells herself. 

Somewhere somehow she had lost sight of what was important. 

But now that Jet is gone, she may reclaim it. 

She knows what needs to be done. 

She must free the tea man. 

Once it is done she will have her business partnership and her pan-fried noodles and roast duck. 

Yes. That is how things should be.


	13. The Invasion

Azula pushes her stall down the vacant streets. She is the only one outside, she is the only one with the sense not to panic buy toilet paper. What she does not know is that the toilet paper has served its purpose. The streets are vacant because the void has taken its annual sacrifices and those who had not been possessed and driven to leaping into its swirling depths are not yet awake because it is 3:15 in the morning. 

This is when Azula starts her day.

It is not when normal people start their day.

No less, Azula finds that she is more productive when she rises at 3:15. Her mother had once said that it is another sign that she is ‘literally Satan but with a top knot and cute clothes.’ 

She finds herself what she believes is an optimal place to set up her stall. It is a shady spot nestled between a cafe and an inn with a lovely maple tree. She picks out a cabbage and smiles. 

Today will be different, she will have her sales. 

She spies her first customer and holds out a cabbage. “Has your toilet paper saved you?” She begins. 

The man shakes his head. 

“I didn’t think so.” She replies. “See, I tried to tell you, but you did not listen. Luckily for you, I am a generous person. I am still going to allow you to buy a medicinal cabbage.” 

The man seems to recoil but he reaches for his pocket. She thinks that he is going to draw out a few copper pieces. Instead he draws a single square of toilet paper and wipes his nose. “No thanks.” 

“Good morning.” Azula greets a woman. She thinks that it is the soldier who had abolished her cabbage stand the morning before so abruptly drops her sales pitch. She is not usually one to run, but she is also not one to carelessly put herself into a losing situation. She hustles to pack away her stall. She thinks that she will have better success elsewhere anyhow. 

“Halt!” The soldier shouts. “Merchant! Get back here!” The woman is waving something at her. She picks up her pace. 

**.oOo.**

“Father, I have important news.” Sie begins. 

“Sie, I am trying to organize my rock garden, you know that I always organize my rock garden at exactly 5:30 in the morning.” He picks up a plastic flamingo, this one is electric blue in color. He strokes it lovingly, the shade reminds him of something important to him. Something that he has lost long ago. Tenderly, he sits it by the rest of the blue flamingos. He moves onto the next one, a standard pink lawn flamingo. This one he puts at the center, for it is the flamingo of the day. This is how he organizes his rock garden.

There are no rocks in his rock garden. 

There is no war in Ba Sing Se. 

There is no God in the Fire Nation.

There are only flamingos in Ozai’s rock garden. 

There is only the false illusion of safety in Ba Sing Se.

There is only Iroh’s unwavering wrath in the Fire Nation.

As Ozai picks up a flamboyant green flamingo with sunglasses, the Pterodactyl of the West screeches in his cell. 

Sie does not get to inform his father of the news. 

**.oOo.**

With her stall once again erect in a new, slightly less comfortable location, Azula decides that she is going to have to take a more direct approach. She looks at the charred body next to her and recalls that this is not normal for the Fire Nation. 

She also notes that it is, in fact, bad for business to have a body laying around so she quickly pushes her cabbage stall over it. 

That ought to fix it. 

If you push it under the bed or shove it in to the closet then you cannot see it.

And if you cannot see it then the mess is gone.

No one can see the corpse.

So the corpse is not there. 

It can fade from existence as though it had never been a part of it all. Such is the nature of things. Object permanence is meaningless. It is like time which is also meaningless. Time is not only meaningless, but also a social construct which is why Azula does not have a problem being awake at 3:15 in the morning, because it is actually 5:30 (which is still questionable early). But not for Azula, because Azula believes that it is 3:15 and therefor it is 3:15. Now if you were to ask Ozai, he would say that it is 5:30. And if you asked Zuko, he might say that it is 1:00 in the morning and ask you why you are waking him so early. If you asked Iroh what time it is, he would tell you that he is in a jail cell so time is twice as meaningless as it was before and so he does not know what time it is. So you are best not asking the time at all because, really, how are you to know who is correct? Just who has decided what time to go with anyways? 

While the unimportance of time as it pertains to a person was being discussed, several customers have came and went. Each of them hilariously rejecting the socially inept cabbage merchant’s offers.

Azula grows increasingly frustrated. “You are going to buy a cabbage.” She informs the first person she sees. “It is not debatable. You are going to…” the man walks away from her as though she is nothing and no one at all. 

She is left to ball her fist and wave it at him in a silent display of frustration. 

Jet’s words echo in her mind. And maybe he is right, maybe her business will crumble... 

It could be that the height of her luck had been on the wall all of those days ago. Azula wanders back to her stall, picks out her favorite cabbage of the day, and hugs it to her chest. 

She isn’t feeling so well. 

It is not the illness that plagues the Fire Nation streets.

Nor is it the virus that is currently making a mess of a different dimension entirely. 

It isn’t the black plague either.

It could be seasonal allergies--yes, she thinks that it is seasonal allergies. But it is also something else. Something…

Emotional. 

She is feeling sad. The merchant isn’t sure that she has ever felt sad before. Has she ever felt anything save for pride and determination, and more recently, angry and frustration?

Azula pulls her keens up to her chest and hugs the cabbage closer. A single tear escapes and slips down her cheek. The wind stirs up her hair and rustles the leaves of her cabbages. She can practically hear them whispering, “it’s going to be okay, Azula.” 

She is skeptical. But there might be hope yet. 

She takes a deep breath, she has never done this before. 

Never. 

She puts a, ‘out for lunch, back in 15’ sign on her cabbage stall and heads for the Fire Nation prison. 

**.oOo.**

“Father, I still have news.” Sie tries again. This time Mai and TyLee are standing behind him because they need some screen time. But they aren’t going to do anything particularly important. 

“Not now.” Ozai says. “I have important things to do.” Such important business consists of inspecting his toothbrush, bristle by bristle. This is something he routinely does after he organizes his rock garden. 

“But father, this is important.” Sie speaks. He can wait, for Ozai is on the last three bristles. But upon that task’s completion he sits upon his throne and seems to stare directly into the flames around it. Sie knows not to interrupt Ozai when he is peering into the flames, seeking out divine wisdom. 

Mostly the fire simply crackles and shrieks incoherently like a thousand voices from the ninth ring of hell as fires tend to do. But occasionally the fire will crackle and tell Ozai that his beard is pretty. This makes Ozai blush but in a very manly way. 

Mai, growing impatient ages up a year. 

And then one more after that. 

Sokka remains the same age though. As do June, Toph, Aang, Katara, Zhao, Haru, Azula, Jet, Ozai, Zuko, and Lo. But Li. Li is not exactly 83 while her sister is only 82. Teo, in his wheelchair also ages a year. And Earth Kingdom Azula is suddenly 8 years old again and her adoptive mother weeps in despair. 

We cannot be sure of TyLee’s age. Even TyLee doesn’t know TyLee’s age.

“Father?” Sie coughs.

The man only narrows his eyes and concentrates harder on the fire as a good Fire Lord does. Sie shakes his head sadly. Things have been weird between he and his father these days. Ever since he got home. He thinks that his father resents him for some reason but that does not make sense for he has been the perfect daughter. “Father the Earth Kingdom is planning an invasion.”

“Hmmm…” Ozai says taking a sip of his coffee. “Nope.” 

“Wh-what do you mean, nope?” 

Ozai turns away from the fire but only for a moment. “Nope, there will be no invasion.” 

“But there is going to be an eclipse.”

Ozai shakes his head. 

“Yes.” Sie inists. “The Earth King…”

Ozai plugs his ears and says, “la la la la, I can’t hear you.” 

“Father…”

“There won’t be an invasion because I forbid it.”

“Father,” TyLee starts. 

“He’s my father, not yours.”

“Ooohhh, I thought that his name was father.” 

Sie shakes his head. 

“Sie’s father, TyLee begins again, “we were told that…”

The Fire Lord raises a silencing hand. “If you speak without permission even once more, I will teach you the same lesson that I taught my son.” 

Sie shudders violently, not a day goes by where Zuko doesn’t talk about the horrors of calculus derivatives and trigonometry. His face still bears the scar given to him with The Math itself punished him for his wrong answer. Not that Ozai hadn’t summoned The Math in the first place.

“Please no.” TyLee squeaks. 

“But father, we should be making preparations…”

“Preparations for what?” 

“The invasion.”

“What invasion!” Ozai roars, and with his rage the fire flares. “There is no invasion. I already said ‘la la la’.” 

Sie, fearing punishment and The Math, backs down. He clenches his teeth and hopes that he is wrong about the eclipse. “Come on, TyLee. Mai.” He beckons for them to follow. Boredom satisfied, Mai ages down a year again. 

The others do not. 

“Ozai!” Greets a chipper and cheerful high-pitched voice. “Did you trim your beard!? It looks hella fine!” 

Ozai smiles. 

It is the only time that is black and vile soul sees even a faint pin-prick of light and goodness. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Continuity? Who's that?


	14. Quest

Sneaking into the boiling rock is much easier than expected. All it takes is a long and convoluted plot. Such is easy for Azula to come up with. Really, all she had to do was put on a false mustache and claim that her name is Jake, from State Farm, there to update them on company policy. Everyone knows that State Farm is the insurance company used by the Boiling Rock. 

But Azula does not like such simple thinking. Instead she had come up with a much grander scheme. She journeyed deep into and past a plethora of boobytraps until she came to a lost tribal society. A society that owns the last few dragons in the world. 

Her world anyhow. 

They were kind enough to allow her to borrow dragons red dragon, free of charge. Azula, however, felt a sense of kinship with the blue dragon. 

The tribesmen had clicked their tongues, tsking. But they said that she could take the blue dragon, all she needed to do was part take in a ritual sacrifice. Being that, according to mother dearest, she is the spawn of Satan himself, this was no big deal for Azula. Unfortunately they were not expecting to do a ritual so soon so they did not have all of the necessary alter tools. So it was that Azula had to journey to find the special dragon atheme. She searched each of the four nations but came up empty handed. She knew that she needed to enter a different dimension. 

Unfortunately, Bosco had been in charge of all interdimensional and alternate universe travel--since his death glitches in time and space have been far and few in between. So Azula made her way to the Foggy Swamp where she met with the witch doctor, who informed her that witch doctors and necromancers are not the same thing so he could not resurrect Bosco. But the witch doctor was kind enough to point her in the direction of the Foggy Swamp necromancer. Feeling optimistic, she had knocked on the woman’s door. The woman said that she would help resurrect Bosco, but she was all out of ritual candles. 

So it was that Azula journeyed back to the Fire Nation to pick up several ritual candles. But they were all out of black wax. However, the candlemaker was willing to make her a special order if she could procure an item for him. Azula had nodded and asked him what item he seeks. The man said that he needed some protective paper. Easy enough, Azula had thought, forgetting that the virus had left toilet paper in short supply. 

After combing through dozens of stalls and finding them baren of toilet paper, the merchant decided that she would have to break into the palace and steal some from the Fire Lord’s stach. She had tried to bribe the guards but he wanted a free cabbage. By all means that was easy enough but Azula  _ never  _ sells her cabbages for free. Instead she seeks out an unlikely alley. 

It had taken a lot of searching, but finally she found the hideout of team avatar. Upon asking for help, Katara threw several items at her including a crowbar, a ceiling fan, a spare tire, a walrus, and an electric stove. “You killed Aang!” She accused. And it was a true accusation. And so Azula informed her, “if you help me break into the place to steal toilet paper, I can go to the candlemaker who will make me some ritual candles to take to the necromancer will summon Bosco for me. And while she is resurrecting Bosco, she can resurrect that arrow-headed cabbage killer, Aang.” 

Wholly confused by the whole situation, Katara agreed to help Azula break into the palace. “Here, you can borrow our Toph. That ought to get you in.” She had lifted the blind earthbender up and handed her to Azula. 

Azula thought that it would be smooth sailing from there, but she was wrong. The Earthbender said that she would only help if Azula could make her see. So Azula tried seeking out Christ. But Azula is an unholy creature, according to her mother, and so it did not work. What she did not know is that all she had to do was go to confession and then she would be forgiven. But Azula is afraid of confessing anything so she chuckled nervously and accepted that it was a hopeless cause. Toph had laughed and said, “man, I’m just messing with you, I’ll help.” 

With that they broke into the Fire Nation palace and stole a few rolls of toilet paper as well as the Fire Lord’s toothbrush. Sie cried out in frustration because it was actually his toothbrush.Toilet paper in hand, Azula returned the Toph and fetched the Katara. Katara followed her to the candlestick maker. 

“I promised you enough black candles for one ritual!” The candlestick maker had noted. But Azula is intelligent. She had planned for this, “which is why I brought you two rolls  _ and  _ the Fire Lord’s special bedazzled roll!”

The candlestick maker’s eyes had lit up and he procured the black candles. So the cabbage merchant and Katara journeyed back to the foggy swamp where the necromancer lit the candles and resurrected Bosco and Aang. Aang muttered an apology to Azula for destroying her cabbages so many times. Azula faintly thought that she should have apologized to him for murdering him, but apologies are dumb. And for people who are wrong. Azula is, in fact, always right 100% of the time. The merchant and Katara parted ways. Bosco, thankfully was a slave to the necromancer who summoned him was forced to obey her commands. So he had to help Azula with her interdimensional travel. Unfortunately, the author forgot what Azula was supposed to fetch so she had to scroll all the way back up. Azula used this time to file her taxes. 

With her taxes done and out of the way she journeyed through several dimensions similar to her own but not the same and found the super special, magically sinister, dragon atheme. Having accomplished this she sought out Mai and her Kenu Reeves knife, fought Bosco, and banished him back to the other side. She returned the Kenu Reeves knife, but only because it was along the way to the tribe. 

She arrived at the tribe and set the dagger before the tribesfolk who gathered around it and said, “ooo, ah” and “wow that’s so purtty” and “ain’t she a beauty.” They put the dagger aside and began the ritual which consisted of doing the soulja boy twice and the macarena once, followed by the cha cha slide. EVERYBODY CLAP YOUR HANDS!!! The closed the ritual by creating their own hybrid variation of all three dances. 

Satisfied, the blue dragon accompanied Azula to the Boiling Rock. Thank spirits that they have State Farm insurance, because they were about to need a good neighbor. For the dragon had punched through the window and placed Azula into one of the cells. “Watch my cabbages.” Azula requested of the dragon. 

“I will if you bring me two cheez-its.” 

With that promise in mind, Azula sets out on her real mission. 

“Hello, Suki.” She greets.

Suki flips her off before apologizing and saying, “sorry I mistook you for someone else.”

“Who?” The merchant asks. 

“That guy who put me here!” 

Azula nods. But she has no more time for discussion. She needs to find Iroh now. 

**.oOo.**

“I'm telling you it wasn't me!” Vows the guard. 

“Save your breath! I know you were working together. You threw Chit Sang in the very cooler they used to escape. It was all part of your plan.” Says the warden.

“That didn’t even happen.” The guard points out. And he is right. But now the warden feels all awkward so he decides that he will keep pretending that he is right, despite knowing very well that he is wrong. Before he can begin reveling in his wrongness the door opens and someone enters. “There's someone to see you.” Informs a less troublesome guard. 

“Who told you to interrupt me?” The warden snaps. 

“I did.” remarks princess Sie. 

“Princess Sie, brave and powerful, Princess Sie! It is an honor to welcome you to the Fire Nation's most exemplary prison.” He backpedals. “I didn't realize you were coming.”

Sie enters the room and takes notice of the guard being interrogated. “Who is this?”

“He's a guard who was involved in a recent and feeble escape attempt.”

“What escape attempt!?” Asks the guard with more ferocity. 

With no real defense, he resorts to a harsh, “Quiet, you!”

Sie folds his arms. “You're wasting your time. Zuzu isn’t around to try to help Sokka break his father out of prison.” 

The warden turns around with a look of shock and befuddlement. He does not realize what has transpired, dear reader. You see, in Ozai choosing not to acknowledge the eclipse, the eclipse had never happened. It had been skipped. But this has caused a horrific rift in time. It was in this chapter that Zuko was supposed to break free, but with the opportunity lost, the void had sucked him in and claimed his existence.

Perhaps one day he will emerge again. 

Presently, the warden looks at Sie. “How do you know?”

“Because I'm a people person.” This is not why. It is actually because he saw the void claim Zuko and he has seen enough bizzare happenings to know how it works. But, ‘I’m a people person’ sounded so much cooler. 

**.oOo.**

Azula sits in her cell feeling like a complete and utter moron, but she knows that the absurd deeds that she is doing serve a greater purpose and she has never been one to shy away from a task. So, without thinking too much, she makes another hideous and obnoxious screech. She has been going for pterodactyl but she is not practiced enough to manage that yet. So she is only able to manage a brontosaurus screech.

It serves its purpose, for Iroh responds back. 

They have been communicating like so for the better part of the day. 

By the next morning each and every guard is equipped with a pair of ear plugs (the higher ranking guards get air pods). It is to her advantage for they, having their air pods in, don’t hear her slinking out of her cell. 

She takes a moment to think of her cabbages because we have gone several paragraphs without mentioning them once. After listing off the anatomy of a cabbage in her head, Azula proceeds down the hall and finds Iroh’s cell. She gives a faint brontosaurus call to let him know that it is her before opening the cell. 

“Here, take this.” Azula hands him a top hat and a wizard cloak. Azula, though off screen, has managed to acquire a guard uniform. She leads Iroh out of his cell. No one questions it because she looks like a guard. But really, she is a cabbage merchant. 

The top hat and the wizard cloak aren’t strictly necessary. They just make Iroh feel cool ™ . They please him. 

Suddenly the plague begins to retract. 

The two confidently march out of the prison, Azula wearing gucci shades and Iroh wearing pimp shudder shades. Iroh had found himself a gun holster and is now packing! This would have worked out well and it would have looked so cool ™ , had the blue dragon not taken off. 

Azula had not been able to get her hands on any cheez-its. 

Azula still isn’t worried. She looks at her new business partner. He gives a cool ™ wink and pulls out his gun. He doesn’t have a chance to fire it when Hakoda shouts,  “wait! Who's that?”

You see, Hakoda was beginning to feel left out, this was supposed to be his time to shine. 

“That's a problem. It's my sister and her friend.” Says Zuko as he emerges from the void. But he is different. Changed. 

His abs have abs and his eyes have a haunted look (and somehow they also have abs).

Momo has abs too (but we already knew that).

Iroh got abs in prison. 

Azula has abs. 

Literally everyone has abs right now. 

Everyone has abs except Haru who only has a mustache. Nothing else. Just a mustache. 

Sie looks up at the gondola that Iroh and Azula are riding as they make their escape. Unfortunately the bit about abs had not been long enough for them to escape unnoticed. Sie decides that this is it. This will be the moment that he gets rid of that pesky merchant and her meddling cabbages.

**.oOo.**

Offering a guard no word of warning, Sie snatches a set of handcuffs from his belt. But it doesn’t matter because that guard is only a background character and everyone knows that background characters don’t have feelings. TyLee, happy for the opportunity to pretend like she is at the circus again, dashes up the cable. Sie blasts himself with a wave of green fire onto the gondola.

Azula is there. Iroh and Zuko are there (but they are not talking; everytime Zuko tries to speak Iroh ‘hmmps’ and turns his back). Hakoda is there. And for some reason, so is Suki. No one knows how Suki managed to get up there. She hadn’t even been a part of the breakout. No less she declares how excited she is for a rematch against TyLee.

“Me too!” Says Zuko. He looks over at Sie, who he has actually been getting along with rather well lately. He realizes that it is actually Azula who needs to fight the princess Sie. His fight is with Iroh. He knows how it will end.

It will end with him in tears. 

And then Iroh crying for making him cry. 

And then he crying harder for making Iroh cry. 

And then Ursa crying for leaving her family behind and losing so much free entertainment. 

Sie strikes first, kicking an arc of fire at Azula. The cabbage merchant dodges the attack. She wishes that she had her cabbages to throw. A hole in the sky opens up and her cabbage stall drops onto the gondola. Like a kid on a seesaw at the park, Suki is catapulted back to Kyoshi island. She is not happy that she didn’t get her rematch. But she is glad to be home, she had left the stove on.

Sie snarls, why did things always come so easily to that vile merchant. Nothing ever comes easily to him. He is just regular old princess Sie and his father expects so much from him. No less, he keeps blasting green fire at her. All the while TyLee is jabbing and swiping at the air, not realizing that her opponent is no longer there. 

“I don’t need you Zuko, I have cool™ sunglasses now.” Iroh remarks. 

“But I need you, uncle.” Zuko replies. “I made a mistake.” Sie was being supportive and everything, but Ozai! Ozai is a beat. A toilet paper shrouded absolute fiend. “I care about you, uncle.”

Iroh readjust his shades, “Did I ever tell you the story of the old man and his pet rabaroo?”

Zuko shakes his head and prepares himself for a long story with a confusing metaphors. Instead, Iroh relays the tale of the two lovers but with a rabaroo and an old man instead.

Hakoda doesn’t ‘do anything because he has stage fright and the guards have taken to watching the scene unfold with bowls of popcorn. 

Sie does not have stage right, he kicks more fire at Azula who begins her magical girl transformation. “I don’t think so!” Sie declares before doing the unthinkable. He takes one of her own cabbages and throws it at her, knocking her to the floor, which is actually the roof because they are on the gondola, not in it. So the floor and the roof are technically the same thing????

Sie does not have time to contemplate the circumstances under which a roof can become a floor, for he finally has the upperhand. 

“There's the warden! I see him!” One of the guards points out through a mouthful of popcorn. Sie shudders, he knows that something is going to go astray. Nothing ever just comes easily for him. 

“Cut the line!” The wardan hollars. Unlike Suki, he is in the gondola for a reason. He likes to read sappy romance novels and shonen manga on his breaks. He is fine with everyone knowing that he likes romance novels, but no one can know that he is a weeb so he hides in a random gondola on his lunch breaks. 

“He wants us to cut the line” Says the guard. 

“But if we cut the line, there's no way he'll survive!” Declares the guard next to him. The first guard does not know why this one is shouting as they are sitting right next to each other. 

“Shhhh!” hisses a third guard. “I’m trying to hear the movie!”

The first guard jams the gondola system with the nearest object he could find, which, surprisingly, is a mechanism specifically for emergency braking. The abrupt halt causes the merchant’s stall to teeter precariously. Sie smirks but the stall does not fall. 

“WOOOO HOOO!” Aang shouts as he sails by on his glider. “I’M ALIVE AGAIN! WHEEEE!” The gust of wind that follows him, pushes the stall closer the the edge. Azula is twitching anxiously and Sie is watching smugly. 

He swoops down a second time, this time Momo follows. Momo, who is still unapologetically jacked, only nudges the stall and it finally falls over the edge. 

Azula’s eyes seem to narrow, but she doesn’t even have time to shout, “my cabbages!! Before TyLee exclaims, “they’re about to cut the line!” 

Sie does not have time to relish in the cabbage merchant’s visible distress. “Then it's time to leave.” For once things go according to plan and her blasts himself onto a gondola that just so happens to be approaching. “Goodbye, merchant.”

  
  


“They're cutting the line! The gondola's about to go!” Zuko notes. 

“Come on nephew, we will cry at each other later.” Iroh gives a particularly loud pterodactyl screech. The sky splits and a flock of the prehistoric marvels swoop down. Iroh extends a hand and helps Zuko onto one of them. 

“What are you doing?” A guard shouts, drawing attention to Mai, who throws a fidget spinner in Sie’s direction. 

“Testing out my new weapons.” She shrugs. She is confident that figit spinners are more effective than knives because in PG-13 shows blood is not allowed to be shown and she is very tired of having always missing her targets or simply pinning them to walls by their clothes. “I think that this one is going to work.” 

Azula, not one to back down over a simple mild inconvenience, realizes that not all is lost. Her new business partner might have abandoned her, but her cabbage stall is still clinging to the gondola. She must stop them from cutting the line!

“What is she doing?” Sie asks upon noticing Azula pickpocketing Mai for her fidget spinner.

  
  


Ty Lee shrugs and gives a mumbled “I dunno.” 

Azula flicks the fidget spinner and it lands a few hits and one critical strike before returning to her. The guards have fallen. She watches the gondola and her cabbages drift off to safety. “My cabbages.” She sighs with relief. 

“Leave us alone.” Most of the guards leave at Sie’s command. “I never expected this from you.” She looks to Mai and TyLee as though it was they who had assisted the gondala’s escape.”The thing I don't understand is why. Why would you do it? You know the consequences.”

Mai shrugs and says, “I didn’t know she could do that much damage with a fidget spinner.”

Sie turns to Azula. “And you! You know exactly what happens to people who interfere with my plans.” He pauses for a moment to recall his objective. For a moment, he doesn’t think that he has one. But then he remembers that his father had wanted him to find Zuko for betraying his nation again. He was also sent there to make sure that no prisoners escaped. Ozai bet one of his war generals 300 gold pieces and a roll of toilet paper that no one would ever escape the Boiling Rock. 

But now Hakoda, Suki, Iroh, and Zuko have escaped. “You know how this is going to end.” 

“I guess you just don't know people as well as you think you do.” Azula says. She shudders to herself. Something is not right about this. No, she does not like this at all. She has a deep aversion to what she is about to say and she can’t place why. She ignores the unsettling feeling growing within her. “You miscalculated. I love cabbages more than I fear you!” 

Sie’s face twists into a snarl and pulls out a calculator, it reads ‘12’. Just ‘12’. “No, you miscalculated!” He points furiously at the calculator. “You should have feared me more!” 

Azula is in fact afraid. But not of the princess. She is afraid of the princess’ words. Not because they have been directed at her, but because of that something. That strange something, that she cannot place. She feels like she should be offended. She is suddenly overcome by a sadness. A feeling as though she has lost something dear and important. But her cabbages are safely sitting on the other rim of the volcano. 

So what then?

What has she lost? 

Why did his words make her feel so hollow?

Why did it leave her feeling so haunted to inform him that he has miscalculated. 

Sie begins to generate lighting. Azula clutches the fidget spinner. Mai too holds a fidget spinner. But before Sie can send off his lightning bolt, TyLee jabs him several times and he falls. Azula can’t help but feel a hint of shock; she has no connection to TyLee whatsoever. 

“Sorry, my hand slipped!” She explains apologetically, clearing up any confusion. 

Sie is well aware that TyLee sometimes has muscle spasms. They mostly happen when she stands or sits still for too long. But in his disgust and outrage, he forgets this. Laying with his cheek pressed firmly against the floor, Sie declares, “you're both fools!” 

Azula looks between Mai and TyLee. She isn’t sure which one of them isn’t a fool. 

“What shall we do with them, princess?” Asks one of the remaining guards. 

“Put them somewhere I'll never have to see their faces again, and let them rot!” Sie says. He realizes that he is being very harsh and that this is probably a misunderstanding. But he has had a taste of power and power changes people. He is a new man now. He decides that he is no longer going to be timid and shy. He is going to be a badass like Iroh. 

The guards cuff Mai and TyLee and whisk them away before he can say that he was referring to Azula and TyLee, not Mai and TyLee. He does not have a problem with Mai, as far as he is concerned, she is a victim of the evil merchant too. 

The merchant in question had pickpocketed two cheez-its and is smirking at him as a blue dragon flies her to safety. 

This is the worst day of Sie’s life. 

**.oOo.**

Feeling a sense of accomplishment, Azula sets up her cabbage stall next to the one she had left in the Fire Nation capital. She takes down her ‘back in 15’ sign. And what an eventful fifteen minutes those had been! 

“Oh good, I’ve been waiting for you for ten…” 

Azula does not let the female soldier finish, for she knows that the woman is only going to set her stalls on fire again. She hastily packs up and hustles to find the tea man. 

**.oOo.**

“Hello?” The warden says into the phone.

“Hello, warden!” Greets the man on the other end.

“Is this Jake from State Farm?”

“It is!” The many replies. 

“Wonderful, I’m calling about a busted window and a broken gondola system…”


	15. Super Fantastic & Important Mandatory Filler Episode

The camera pans in and out several times before finally coming into focus. Sure, we can be doing a chapter on the Southern Raiders where Sie hunts Zuko & down and tries to take vengeance on them for ruining his perfect life. 

Instead we view a simple cabbage merchant wearing a blue apron with cabbages embroidered upon it, matching oven mitts, and a chef hat. Beneath the chef’s hat she has her hair bound in its usual topknot with a few cute little cabbage and caterpillar hair clips. 

The cabbage merchant is adorable and wholesome. 

Next to her is her lovely, equally adorable assistant, Jet. He to wears an apron. He does not wear a shirt under that apron. But the apron reads, ‘kiss the cook’ and, in significantly smaller print, ‘please, he’s lonely.’ 

Iroh and Zuko are also there. They have chosen to wear the standard Jasmine dragon uniforms. But Iroh still wears his cool™ sunglasses. He has not taken them off since he acquired them. They make him feel young again.

“Are we rolling?” Zuko asks. 

“I think that we are.” Jet replies. 

Iroh gives cheerful finger guns. 

Azula turns to the camera and smile. “Hi, I’m cabbage merchant, Azula and this is my boyfriend and assistant, Jet.” 

He smiles and waves at the camera. 

“This is my future business partner, uncle Iroh. He isn’t my uncle, but he is someone’s uncle.” 

“He’s my uncle!” Zuko exclaims more joyfully than necessary. 

“And that’s Zuko!” Azula points at him. “And today we are going to be showing you how to cook my favorite recipes; sauteed cabbage and southern fire-fried cabbage! And after that, my good friends, Iroh and Zuko will show you how to brew up a good cup of tea!” With a charming sound of tinkling wind chimes and a swirl of white-pink sparkles, the screen flashes black for approximately 2.5 seconds before the scene changes. 

The kitchen is now set up and everyone is in position. On the cooking counter you can see several tools; various cutting knives, one Kenu Reeves knife, spoons, fork, a ladle, a rolling pin (this is not necessary, but Azula likes to leave it out just in case), and one roll of toilet paper! There is no hand sanitizer, that’s what the toilet paper is for! 

Also on the counter are the ingredients for a perfect sauteed cabbage. There is a bottle of olive oil, a cabbage, two sticks of butter, another cabbage, salt ‘n pepa (like the band, push it real good), more cabbage, one onion, and more cabbages. ‘

A ludacris amount of cabbage.

As in, rap artist, ludacris (who is so kindly providing the background music for today’s episode of Azula’s Bitchin’ Kitchin) had stood still while Azula stacked a tower of cabbages to match his height and body mass. 

Azula looks up at the camera. “Okay, first things first. We have to make sure our cooking area is sanitized and free of any nasty viruses that may or may not be currently plaguing your society. I would like to think that everyone knows how to sanitize a workspace, but a wise man…” Iroh gives a wave, “...once told me; people are like bees. Bees follow a queen. If the queen is dumb then the whole swam is dumb. You must always assume that the queen is dumb and attempt to teach the queen so that the rest of her swarm may become smarter too.” Azula pauses, hoping that she relayed Iroh’s teaching correctly. “I don’t know who the queen of your society is but whoever you are, listen closely. To sanitize a work space you must unravel exactly three squares of your toilet paper. No more, no less. If you use less toilet paper then your area will not be sufficiently clean. If you use too much then an angry spirit will rise up and curse your family name for generations to come for being wasteful. Please only use three squares exactly!” Azula takes three squares of toilet paper. “Now all you have to do is simply slide your toilet paper over each and every surface. The first square is used to get the right side and the third square will clean the left. Use the second square to clean your hands.” Azula hands Jet the first and third squares, he promptly begins brushing it over every inch of the room starting at the back right corner and working his way to the front right. He repeats this for the left and then Azula furiously runs the toilet paper over her hands. 

“Now that we have cleaned our bitchin’ kitchen’ it is time to begin cooking. Preheat your oven. I usually like to keep my oven at a nice and toasty 666!” She looks behind her. Ozai smiles and waves at the camera as he lights the stove. 

“We don’t actually use the oven for this recipe, but it is good to always turn your oven on so that it doesn’t feel left out!” She explains happily. 

Jet, Iroh, and Zuko nod in agreement. 

“Now that you have your oven feeling welcomed and included, we can begin cooking! First you must take one of your beautiful, precious cabbages and slice it down the middle.” She pauses. Jet holds up the cabbage for the viewer to marvel at. It is a perfectly lush and green cabbage. He then hands it to her. “Now, I know that you probably have mixed feelings about stabbing a cabbage. But I assure you that it is fine so long as you thank the cabbage for its sacrifice before doing so.”

Azula closes her eyes and whispers something to her cabbage. The cabbage giggles. And then she cuts it open, shedding a few tears. “Now, many chefs will tell you to discard the cores. They are wrong! The cores of cabbages are the hearts of cabbages and they are not to be ill treated. I like to store mine in jars. Jet…”

Jet nods and pulls out a box with several locks and hexes that need to be broken through before it opens. Azula pulls out a jar full of cabbage cores and tenderly places that one within. “Not only is it respectful to keep a cabbage’s heart, but it is also useful; cabbage cores can be used to summon the void to consume the life essence of your foes!” 

“Oh, sounds scary, Azula!” Jet remarks. 

“It is, Jet. But don’t worry, I’ve only ever used them on my mother.” She says with that same cheery tone and demeanor.

“The next step is to ignore the oven and heat a saute pot on the stove. Now, this is somewhat difficult because your oven will cry and tell you that it is insecure, trying to guilt you into using it. This is a trap. Please ignore your oven!” Azula cautions. “Go on, Jet.”

“Please love me! I need friends too!” The oven begs as Jet places the pot on the stove. The oven sounds curiously like the cabbage merchant, “I didn’t mean to take over Ba Sing Se and kill the Avatar, don’t hate me.” Jet continues to ignore the oven that sounds uncannily like Azula as he wanders back to the real Azula’s side. 

“Now, that was disturbing!” Azula comments. “But it is completely normal.”

Jet holds up a stick of butter and some olive oil. He is a little early, but Azula can’t fault him for being eager! 

“The next thing that you’ll want to do is melt some butter in the pot and add your olive oil. By this time you oven has already gone through the five stages of grief and has accepted that you are not going to use it this time around. On some occasions it will whisper one final plea, so no one will blame you if you still wish to proceed with caution.”

She watches jet pour in some olive oil and butter. “You’ve probably noticed that I haven’t told you how much olive oil and butter to add. This is because you will know in you heart what the right amount is for you and your family or friends. I know that some of you are thinking, ‘but Azula, I am eating alone!’ This is not true viewers! You are never alone; the void, a ghost, and/or a dilliuminati agent will always join you. Even if you can’t see your companion, they are there.”

“I eat with the void every day!” Zuko puts in.

“Wonderful to hear, Zuko.” Azula says before turning back to the camera. “The next step is the most important. You will take your sacred cabbages and you will begin adding them to the pot. At the same time you will add your Salt ‘n Pppa.” 

Jet carefully and lovingly adds some cabbage to the pot. “Salt ‘n Pepa, take it away!” The lights dim and the hip hop duo begin singing at the pot, coaxing it to cook.

“For about ten to fifteen minutes, you will stir your pot. Feel free to go five minutes shorter or longer depending on the situation at hand. If one of the following situations happen, please stir for five minutes less; if your cabbages tell you to stop and/or look fully cooked, if the void begins to open behind you, if the food smells like it is ready, if your cabbages are starting to burn, or--most importantly--if the oven begins to yearn for affection again. Stir for five minutes more if your cabbages haven’t sufficiently cooked, if they ask you to cook them longer, or if the void has possessed your soul and you physically cannot stop stirring.” She pauses. “If the void does possess your soul please contact your local priest and bomb disposal team immediately.” 

With another sound of chimes and flash of sparkles the fifteen minutes of mundane stirring have passed. Azula now stands in front of the nearly finished meal. “This is the part where I add my secret ingredient. I will not tell you what it is, because it is a secret.”

She turns around, concealing something, hiding it from view. She puts it into the pot and there comes a series of sizzles and pops. It bursts into black flames, from which tormented wails can be heard--the voices of angst fics past. The fire dies down and the stove dings. 

Cue windchimes and sparkles. 

The kitchen is now neatly cleaned and Azula is holding up a totally delicious and healthy meal. “What am I holding?” She asks in a tone that indicates disgust. 

“A cherry pit, merchant.” Answers a sheepish voice in the studio audience. It is one of Sie’s serving girls.

Azula shakes her head before realizing that she is indeed holding up a cherry pit and it is Jet who is holding up their newly cooked meal. “Oh. Hmm. Well that  _ is  _ strange. Tell me why, on the most important day of television history, one of you decided to put a pit in my sauteed cabbage!?”

“It wasn’t a decision, it was just a small mistake.” The serving girl squeaks. 

“Small!? Do you realize what could have happened if I hadn’t sensed the pit in time?”

“I suppose you could have...choked?” 

“No.” No that wasn’t it at all. “The cherry pit would have ruined the recipe.” Of course this is only scratching the surface. The cherry pit would have actually caused a ripple effect. You see, the cabbage merchant was going to send the sauteed cabbage to Qin Lee for his birthday which, woefully, due to the virus, he was forced to spend in isolation--he is dissatisfied. But Qin Lee is deathly allergic to cherry pits. So he would have died. Now Qin Lee is in charge of making sure the Phoenix King’s air fleet is on course. With him having died, the fleet would have been exactly three feet and four inches off course. This would have had them right in the path of a large messenger hawk. The messenger hawk would have flown out of the way to avoid collision, instead colliding with Aang who would have fallen on top of Ozai resulting in a very awkward moment where Ozai would nervously stroke his beard and Aang would cough uneasily. But the force of Aang’s landing would have thrown Ozai’s ship off course, setting it in the path of the comet. The airship would have collided with the comet causing it to impact the earth. Ozai would cry out in jubulace because it would have obliterated Ba Sing Se. However, the fall of Ba Sing Se would have impacted trade, including to the Fire Nation. The global economy would have crashed. Ozai and princess Sie would be homeless because the people will have invaded the palace in a fit of anger. Society would succumb to anarchy and fall. A lone cabbage merchant would have pushed her stall across a deserted wasteland with nothing and no one to buy her cabbages. It would only be she and princess Sie and Earth Kingdom Azula (who is still no help, because she is only eight years old, but her eyebrows are still on fleek). 

So it is a good thing that Azula had sensed the pit in time. 

“I’m sorry, merchant.” The servant apologizes. 

Azula sighes and rolls her eyes. “Fine, since it is a special day, I will show mercy.” 

The servant sighs in relief. 

“You are banished, leave my kitchen at once.” 

The woman is terribly distraught, Azula’s Bitchin’ Kitchen is the only show she watches. 

**.oOo.**

“HEY YOU! YES YOU! ARE YOU TIRED OF WARS BUT FINE WITH LIES AND TOTAL BULLSHIT!? CONTACT YOU LOCAL TRAVEL AGENT TODAY AND YOU CAN BE ON YOUR WAY TO BA SING SE!” Long Feng takes a deep breath. “BA SING SE HOSTS SEVERAL SCENIC WALLS THAT YOU AREN’T ALLOWED TO EXIT! WE HAVE FIRST CLASS RESTAURANTS LIKE THE JASMINE DRAGON AND WONDERFUL BRAINWASHING FACILITIES LIKE LAKE LOGAI SPA RESORT!” 

“RIDE YOUR FLYING BISON ON OVER TO BA SING SE, DO IT TODAY!” Long Fang adds. 

Long Feng and Long Feng turn to the camera in unison. “BOOK YOUR FLIGHT TODAY AND COME TO BA SING SE!”

**.oOo.**

There comes the sound of peaceful harp music and a bubbling brook.

The image changes slightly and there is a birdseye view of a twisting and turning sapphire blue river. Within the river are funky psychedelic rainbows.

There is the sound of wind instruments. Suddenly the screen shows a deep and lush forest. A deer runs out. 

The image changes again to tea light candles and a handful of beads. There is a slight whistle under the sound of wind instruments and harps. 

The forest is back. The deer turns its head. It has two noses where its eyes should be and one eye where its nose should be. The swirling rainbow pattern now translucently overlays the image of the deer, darkening until only the eye can be seen. 

The music grows louder and the pattern begins to swirl. 

Text appears on the screen; “Guru Phatik’s Self-Help/Therapy. Join us today. Jooooin usssssss.”

**.oOo.**

A loud screeching, drilling noise plays over a black screen for forty-five seconds. That is it. That’s the commercial. No one is quite sure what it is supposed to be advertising, but Sie speculates that it is an add for the drill that had penetrated Ba Sing Se.

**.oOo.**

“Aaaand we’re back!” Azula declares. “Iroh and Zuko will now show you how to make lavender & cabbage tea! It is a brand new recipe that will be coming to the Jasmine Dragon after we sign some contracts to solidify our business partnership!” She nods at Iroh, “go on, Iroh.” 

Iroh clears his throat. “Good evening everyone, I hope that you are all having a lovely afternoon.” 

“Uncle, time zones exist and some people might be reading this at three in the morning instead of sleeping like a responsible person should.”

“I apologize.” Iroh says. “A good morning, afternoon, or night to all of you!” He only says this out of respect for his nephew, because he knows that time is a social construct so it doesn’t really matter anyways. Azula always starts her show at 2:00 in the afternoon. But for most people, it is 7:00 at night. 

“I am very excited to share this recipe with everyone. I hope that it will bring joy and comfort into your homes.” Iroh pauses and clasps his hands together. “Now, you might be thinking that making tea is as simple as grabbing a tea bag and swishing it around for a bit. But that only gets you a cup of hot leaf juice.” 

A ‘booing’ track plays. 

“But if you follow my instructions closely, you will have your very own cup of lavender-cabbage tea.”

“I’m really excited, uncle!” Zuko’s eyes twinkle with delight. “Let’s get started.” 

“Yes, let’s make some tea!” He raises a finger and dashes across the kitchen. 

“Remember, ignore the oven!” Azula cautions.” 

**.oOo.**

“Man, I hate this show!” Sie comments before flipping the channel. 

He is met with a bombastic guitar riff. “Yo! What’s up muthafukas! It’s yer gurl Toph and yer boi Twinkle Toze! Today we’re going to ride a giant serpent through Serpent's Pass while Sokka and Katara look on in horror and then we’ll head off to a hidden underground library to piss off an uptight owl!” 

“Yeah, this is more like it.” Sie nods to himself. He holds a tub of ice cream to his chest, knowing that this show will only fill the emptiness of TyLee’s betrayal for approximately an hour.


	16. Azula's Cabbage

Azula wanders around somewhat aimlessly. She doesn’t know where she is or how she got here. She is conflicted as to how she should feel about this place. On one hand, there are cabbages everywhere, all sorts of them; cabbages that look to be made of emerald, albino cabbages, spotted cabbages, and spirit cabbages among others. On the other hand, there is no one to sell them to. Not that she can see anyhow. 

Being an opportunist, Azula harvests several of these stranger cabbage varieties.

She holds one up to the half-light of the jungle canopy. She wonders if she might be dead. That would explain her confusion and the odd cabbages. 

But Azula doesn’t feel like she has died. She doesn’t know how she would have. Unless she had been a silent host for the virus this whole time and it has finally claimed her. 

Or maybe she had fallen off of the blue dragon. 

It might just be that the void has simply decided to claim her this time around. Granted, she always thought that the void would be a lot darker and with less cabbages. 

“Avatar Yangchen, the monks always taught me that all life is sacred. Even the life of the tiniest spider-fly caught in its own web.” She hears a familiar voice. 

“Yes. All life is sacred. Well, except for the life of that one mosquito that got in my mouth and bit my tongue.” 

Aang blinks, he has never heard of a mosquito doing that before. “I know, I'm a vegan.” He declares proudly. 

“Avatar Aang, I know that you're a gentle spirit, and the monks have taught you well, but this isn't about you. Not everything is about you.”

“Hey, Avatar.” Azula cuts in. 

“But I’m the main character.” Aang ignores her. 

“Many great and wise Air Nomads have detached themselves and achieved spiritual enlightenment, but the Avatar can never do it. Because your sole duty is to the world. Here is my wisdom for you; take a glock and cap a bitch!” With her piece having been said, Yangchen disappears like dust in a breeze. 

Momo emerges from behind a tree, bench pressing a log thrice his height and weight. 

“I guess I don't have a choice, Momo.” Aang comments. “I have to kill the Fire Lord.” He says it as though he had never caused enough collateral damage to kill a background character. But that doesn’t really matter, because background characters still don’t have feelings anyways. In fact, Ozai has just killed a background character for the lolz. He opens each summer with an annual festival wherein background characters are hunted for sport. Aang has never partaken in such a monstrosity but he has killed so many background characters without knowing it, that it is hypocritical of him to be angry at Ozai for killing background characters. 

“Avatar!” Azula says, but she says it into a megaphone so Aang jolts and falls off of his rock. It is fine though, because Momo holds him upright. Momo is still bench pressing a log.

“Yes, Azula?”

“Since it is only you and I right now, I have no choice but to ask you if you would like to buy a cabbage.”

“Not right now, Azula. I have to save the world.”

Azula rolls her eyes. Main characters are sooo dramatic. Azula is glad that she is not a main character. The reader is reminded that she is a main character and is granted a reminder of how she silently wept to herself, clutching her favorite cabbage and a roll of toilet paper because she realized that letting go of her boyfriend was a mistake and she is lonely. “Look, Avatar, cabbages are the world.” 

“They’re  _ your  _ world, Azula.” Aang replies firmly. “One of these days you’re going to have to realize that there’s more to life than selling and growing cabbages. 

Azula gasps in offense and clutches her hand over her heart. For a moment she thinks of Jet. Instead she says, “no, Avatar. Cabbages are the most important thing.”

“I don’t have time for cabbages. I have to…” He pauses. “Hey, you’re really good at plans and stuff! How can I save the world without killing the Fire Lord?” 

“I will tell you, if you buy a cabbage.” Azula replies smuggly. 

Aang groans and fishes out a few gold pieces and thrusts them into her palm. 

“Have you tried using quantum physics to replace this world’s Ozai with one whose worst crime was telling one extrodinarily awful dad joke?” Azula asks. 

“Azula, I don’t know how to do that.” Aang replies.

“Oh.” She responds. “Well you aren’t getting your money back.”

**.oOo.**

“You sent for us, Princess. Is everything all right?” The head dailluminati agent greets. 

“Actually, everything's not all right!” Sie looks behind him. There is nothing there, nothing of importance. The thing that is not alright is that he cannot seem to remember his Netflix password and he still has to finish Pretty Little Liars. “Do you know my Netflix password?”

“Uh ... password?” The man answers. 

Sie types that in, only to be denied access once more. Even if he does find the right password, it does not matter because TVs do not exist. His Nexflix does not exist. Sie blinks, what was he trying to do again? 

He thinks it over. That’s right, his father has left after crowning himself the Phoenix King. Unfortunatly for the world, the spirit that had possessed his soul, causing him to do ridiculous things like own a flamingo rock garden and bulk buy an excess of toilet paper has fled. Ozai is now a complete and unrepentant asshole again. He made sure that everyone knew it by looking Sie dead in the eye and telling him, “you are no daughter of mine. You are a mere peasant. A waste of space.” 

“But, father…” Sie had started. 

“I am not your father.” The man spat, before making his way to his airship. It had been like a knife in Sie’s chest. He does not know why his father is treating him like this so suddenly. 

It haunts him as he sits on his throne. At least he thinks that it is his throne now that his father is gone. He doesn’t even hear the dialluminati agent apologize to him. Nor does he notice the lizard people who have assembled in the room. They chatter amongst themselves, something about a very important meeting for the superior species. A series of beams flash down and suddenly Sie is alone in the throne room. Alone and pacing back and fourth. 

It is all falling apart, everything is falling apart. 

He can’t let it fall apart or he will have to deal with  _ her  _ wrath…

**.oOo.**

Azula folds her arms over her chest. She has to admit that she is growing bored. She had always thought that the coming of Sozin’s comet would be more exciting. More bombastic! But it is actually quite peaceful. This strange island has a nice and balmy breeze. The only sound comes from the lapping of the ocean and the rustling of a breeze. 

“Where am I?” She wonders out loud. Really, she ought to get back to the Fire Nation. She has cabbages to sell and her new business partner to talk to. Though she thinks that the Jasmine Dragon might be closed being as the Earth Kingdom is about to be burned to the ground. 

Azula scoffs, wondering whose foolish idea that was.

What. A. Moron. 

“Hey, so this island is actually just a giant lion-turtle!” Aang calls from afar. 

“Fascinating.” Azula mutters uncaringly. “Does it know how I can sell cabbages to a nation that is focused completely on war?”

“I’m not sure, he’s talking to Momo about his workout routines.” 

**.oOo.**

“Attention, crew, this is your captain speaking. Everyone please report to the bomb bay immediately for pan-fried noodles and roast duck.” Sokka announces.

Azula feels a faint pang of jealousy that she cannot place. 

“We have a very special birthday to celebrate.”

But they won’t be celebrating any birthdays, they are practicing social distancing. 

“Hey, I'm Qin Lee. I work up in communications.” Qin introduces himself.

“Oh, hi. I work down in the engine room. That's probably why we never met before. Big airship, you know?” Replies the man casually. “So, do you know whose birthday it is?”

Qin is about to tell the man that it is his birthday when another man approaches and exclaims, “I can't believe the captain remembered my birthday. He really does care.”

Qin coughs, “he was actually talking about my birthday.” 

But Sokka wasn’t talking about any of their birthdays. With the press of a button the void opens up and claims its remaining sacrifices. It has been appeased. Sozin’s comet will not demolish the world as they know it, Bosco and his band of furious furries will not return, and the universes will not merge together in a chaotic and destructive blend. 

This, however, excludes Earth Kingdom Azula, whose eyebrows allow her to travel through time and space. 

But she is only eight years old so she does not yet know how to use her eyebrows to ignore the laws that hold the universe together as everyone knows it. 

What she does know how to do is use her eyebrows to blast holes in the walls as Suyin shrieks in agitation. 

**.oOo.**

Azula yawns, she wishes that the Avatar would hurry his conversation up so that she may speak with the lion-turtle. 

“...but I don’t want to kill him! I can’t kill him, I’m a vegan!” He throws his arms up in the air. “There’s got to be another way. Azula said that I should try to bend time and space but I don’t think that I can master that on time.”

Azula rolls her eyes. “That’s the wonderful thing about bending time and space. You don’t  _ have  _ to know what you’re doing.” She gives her bangs a lazy flick. “Really, the less you know how to do, the more effective you will be. Just tear a hole into the delicate balance and let the chaos take care of the Fire Lord for you.” 

Aang blinks. This is uncharacteristically sinister for the usually peaceful cabbage merchant. 

“Now move aside and let me speak with the lion-turtle so he can bless me with the wisdom I need to improve my marketing strategies and people skills.” 

“Do you understand, avatar?” The lion-turtle asks.

“Can you repeat that last part?” 

The lion-turtle nods before speaking in tongues. “If you can memorize that chant and successfully analyze the fire lord’s zodiac as it applies to the comet, you will be able to take his bending from him. If you do really well, you can also take his soul, his dignity, and his left sock.” 

Aang nods. “Thank you…”

“Chuck.” The lion-turtle says. “You can call me Chuck.” 

“Finally.” Azula mutters. “Help me face the lion-turtle.”

Never passing an opportunity to show off his swol legs, Momo lifts Azula up and holds her in front of the lion-turtle. 

“Do you mind?” Azula frowns up at Aang.

“You listened to my conversation!” Aang points out.

“You aren’t trying to run a business. I can’t have any potential competition knowing my strategies.” In reality, she is planning on asking the lion-turtle for romance advice and she does not need the avatar to see her get all flustered upon thinking of Jet and his beautiful abs. “Don’t you have a Fire Lord to face?” She asks. 

“I don’t wanna.” Aang whines. 

“Well then I guess that everyone you know and love will die.” Azula says nonchalantly. 

Aang shrugs. He isn’t too worried; both he and Jet died and came back. 

“My parents aren’t home.” Azula says. 

Being as the void still has some influence, the world seems to glitch. A fizzy, staticy image seems to overlay Aang’s face, making him appear like a blue hedgehog as he hastily makes his way to his glider. 

He has to go fast. 

Azula gives a sigh of relief and watches the boy depart before turning back to the lion-turtle. “I have a problem.” 

‘A’ is an understatement. She has several problems. Most of them pertain to the dipping of cabbage stocks. But there are a few that have to do with the fact that she still has not had her fill of roast duck and pan-fried noodles--at this point she is practically willing to eat her body weight in the stuff. Another such problem is that she had stepped in a puddle and now her socks are wet. But these aren’t her main concerns. “I had someone important to me. He’s gloriously beautiful, he’s funny, and he taught me how to draw dickbutt. I think that I...have a very deep attachment to him. But I have to focus on my cabbages because I...I love my cabbages.” 

“Yes, go on.” The lion-turtle nods. 

“I think that I am going to have to choose between Jet and my cabbages. I need a way to get Jet back without sacrificing my business.” 

The lion-turtle lifts a claw and presses it to her forehead. 

She understands now. 

She understands  _ everything _ . 

She knows how to make this right. 

Momo sets her down beside her cabbages before he flies back to the lion-turtle’s face. 

“So anyways, if you want legs like these,” comes an extremely deep bass voice, “you’re gonna have to do a lotta squats”

“Sick, dude.” Replies the lion-turtle.

**.oOo.**

Sie unfolds his lawn chair and lays back. Though the sun is not out, the comet shall provide him with enough heat to work on his tan. His coronation ceremony hasn’t yet started, possibly because Ozai had never given him the crown. Boy is Zuko going to be disappointed. He doesn’t know what they are going to fight over today. He takes a sip from his coconut drink as a sky bison obstructs the sunrays he that he is trying to bathe in. Sie smirks, he knows exactly what they will bicker over. 

Yes, he will open by scolding his brother for blocking his sunlight and then he will hit him with the big one!

Zuko leaps off of the bison, a parachute expands. “You’re not going to become Fire Lord today!” He declares over the roar of the wind.

“What?” Sie asks, he cannot hear Zuko from this distance.

“You’re not going to become Fire Lord today!”

“What!?”

Zuko lands. “You’re not going to become Fire Lord today, I am.” 

“Yeah, about that.” Sie says, missing his opportunity to begin the first fight. “Father never gave me the crown so neither of us will become Fire Lord today.” Sie shrugs. 

Zuko frowns, “we can still fight over the crown for when father gets defeated.” Zuko suggests.

“Yes, I suppose that we can, brother.” Sie agrees. They are off to a horrible start with this whole arguing thing. “There’s only one way to settle this. Just you and me, brother. The showdown that was always meant to be. Rock, paper, scissors!” He whips out a small booklet, a rock, a piece of paper, and some scissors.

“You're on!” 

“What are you doing? He’s playing you. He knows hhe can't take us both, so hhe's trying to separate us.”

Zuko shakes his head, “we’ve been playing Monop-uno since we were kids. It’s a two player game.” 

“But even you admitted to your uncle that you would need help facing Sie.” 

“It’s fine, my sister has always been awful at rock, paper, scissors and this way, no one else has to get hurt.”

Katara nods and Sie and Zuko stand on opposite ends of the courtyard, kneeling as you do before beginning a game of rock, paper, scissors. It is always best to start any board, card, or any kind of game by kneeling before your God and asking for protection lest the game transform itself into an ouija board and you find yourself dealing with Zozo the board demon. The camera pans to show Zuko kneeling on his side of the courtyard and then to Sie kneeling on his. And then to Zuko standing up and turning around; he slips on a banana peel as he does and topples. 

The camera pans out again to show Azula passionately making out with Jet. 

This is an error; that was supposed to have been a private moment. 

The camera pans out to Sie who removes his sunglasses, for he does not have a ceremonial robe to remove.

“I'm sorry it has to end this way, brother.” Sie says. 

“No you're not.”

With that the battle begins. 

But if you look into the portal nestled in the corner of the courtyard you can glimpse at another world entirely. Another world where Azula and Zuko are about to face each other. In this world the conversation was much longer. 

“No you’re not.” Zuko says.

“Yes I am.” Responds Azula.

“Are not.” Zuko replies. 

“Am to!” Azula insists. 

“Are not!”

“Am to!”

“Are not!” 

“Am to!”

“aRE NoT!”

“I am TO!” 

They do this until Sozin’s comet passes and then stand in solidarity, weeping because they have both missed their chance to spectacularly show off their firebending. They hug each other and cry. They apologize to each other for being little assholes. Katara rolls her eyes and shakes her head; that whole family is full of drama queens.

In this world, Zuko and Sie take up their stances. Zuko makes the mistake of revealing his choice in his stance by holding out his pointer and middle fingers. He improvises by pretending to bend lightning. Sie scoffs, “lightningbending is forbidden until round three!”

“Sorry.” Zuko apologizes, “I was getting excited.” 

“Rock! Paper! Scissors! Shoot! Long ago, the four hand signs lived together in harmony. Then, everything changed when the Shoot Nation attacked. Only the Cheater, master of all four hand signs, could stop them, but when the world needed him most, he vanished…”

“Katara, please.” Zuko says.

Katara coughs, “sorry, I was just trying to get in the spirit of the game.” She puts her foam finger away.

“You can still call ‘rock, paper, scissors, shoot’, if you want.” Sie says.

“I guess.” Katara shrugs.

**.oOo.**

Azula covers her ears, she does not know what that dreadful sound is, it is like a shrill ring combined with elevator music. It has a catchy beat, but, spirits, it should not be played while she is trying to have a moment with Jet! She wishes that the void would stop trying to talk to her while she is with Jet. At least she is assuming it is the void.

“Well that just killed the mood.” Jet remarks. 

“Yeah…” Azula trails off. Truth be told, she was not ready for this yet. She thinks that it is too soon in their rekindled relationship to show him her mixtape, even if it is totally fire. “Maybe next time.”

“Sure, next time.” He smiles. 

“Jet?”

“Yeah?”

“Do you really think that my business is going to fail?”

“What!? No! No! I just said that because I was mad.” 

Azula smiles, she might actually be getting teary-eyed. “Well, I’ve only sold a single cabbage, and I was only able to sell that one by taking advantage of someone’s frustration.” 

Jet laughs, “that’s how you’ve always sold your cabbages! By manipulating and taking advantage of people, you’re doing great!”

“Yes, but I usually manipulate and take advantage of more than one person…”

“Well, you always make your best sales in the midst of disaster, and it just so happens that we are in the middle of the biggest battle in over a hundred years!” He gestures to the fire and chaos in the streets of Ba Sing Se--for this is where the lion-turtle has dropped her off. People are screaming and wailing and panic buying more toilet paper, forgetting that toilet paper is very flammable. “I mean, the Fire Lord is about to burn the entire Earth Kingdom to the ground!”

Azula’s eyes light up. “You’re right! This is absolutely catastrophic! I-I think that I can do this.” 

Jet takes her hands, “you  _ can  _ do this.”

**.oOo.**

“Tag, you’re it!” Zuko declares.

Sie curses. He picks up a dodge ball and chucks it at Zuko who dodges it and dashes for the nearest pair of scissors that he can find. Sie throws another dodge ball. Zuko sets this one on fire as his fingers curl around the scissors. 

Sie takes this chance to grab a rock. 

Zuko snarls, before recalling something important. “I am on base!” 

“Ha!” Sie calls, “base has moved over there!” He points across the courtyard.

Zuko curses. 

“One point to princess Sie!” Declares one of the spectating Dailluminati agents. 

“BOOOOO!” Hollars Bumi, who has flown in from all the way in Omasok to witness this event. He is not pleased at the current standing. 

Sie chucks the dodge ball once more. Zuko leaps out of the way. “What no paper today?” He shouts. “Afraid I’ll use scissors!?”

“Oh, I’ll show you paper!” Sie spits. He takes a deep breath and pulls out a sheet of fine art paper. 

Zuko drops into a defensive stance. 

Katara and Bumi bite their nails. 

The Dailluminati agent steps out to take a phone call.

Sie begins quickly and meticulously folding the paper into an origami turtle-duck. Zuko’s eye go wide. Sie’s look between Zuko and Katara. “Quack, quack, bitches.” He says with a smirk as he throws the duck at Katara. 

“Nooooooo!” Zuko throws himself between Katara and the origami turtle-duck. Zuko lands with a harsh thud and the origami turtle-duck lazily drifts down and lands harmlessly upon him. 

It then explodes and transforms into a real turtle-duck. The turtle-duck doubles in size and begins judging Zuko’s fashion choices and life-decisions until he can handle no more.

“Zuko!” Katara calls. “Don’t listen to it, your outfit is on point!” 

Sie cackles madly, “but it doesn’t go with his eyes!”

Zuko weeps harder. 

**.oOo.**

Azula confidently marches right into the epicenter of the chaos around her. She scans the crowd for the most horrified face. She comes upon a woman who is shrieking and begging the void to claim her before she can be burned alive. 

“You!” She points at the woman as Jet begins singing the soulja boi. 

The woman turns to her. 

“As you can very clearly tell, you are going to die.” Azula pauses. “So you might as well spend every cent that you have on my cabbages.” It might be the firey backdrop or the way it casts swirling shadows around Azula. But the woman is absolutely terrified, she stumbles back before she practically throws the coins at Azula. The merchant collects them and hands her several cabbages. “Thank you for your business! Have a lovely day!”

“Th-th-thanks.” The woman shudders. “Please don’t hurt me.”

“That won’t be necessary.” Azula smiles. “But will it be necessary with you?” She turns to the man next to her.

“No, ma’m.” The man trembles and holds out a few coins.

“Wonderful!” Azula claps her hands together. “Enjoy your cabbages.”

Soon she doesn’t even need to approach her customers, they are coming to her. They actually  _ want  _ her cabbages. She is going to get so much roast duck and pan-fried noodles. 

“Wow, Azula, you’re doing incredible!” Jet remarks. 

“I know.” She agrees. 

“Hey! Merchant!” Shouts a familiar voice and Azula’s blood runs cold. A Fire Nation soldier steps out of the crowd.

“No…” Azula mumbles. 

“Yes.” The woman says. 

“I will not allow you to set my cabbages on fire.” Azula declares and pulls out a John Cena knife--Mai is using her Kenu Reeves one--the soldier will never see it coming.

“Set them on fire?” The soldier asks.

“Yes.” Azula replies. “I know that you have been chasing me to set my cabbages on fire because you think that they are infected.”

“That’s not why I’m chasing you, merchant. I’m actually just here to return something that you dropped.” 

Azula cocks her head, “oh.”

The woman hands her a picture. Azula feels around her pocket. Spirits, she hadn’t even realized that she dropped it. 

“Aww, that’s the first dickbutt we drew together.” Jet smiles. The panicking crowd stops to give their own affectionate ‘aw’ and ‘that’s so cute’.

“Thank you.” Azula says. But the soldier is gone.

No. Not gone.

“Sike!” The soldier yells. “That was just a decoy!” She sets Azula’s stall on fire.

Azula screams in anguish. It had been going so well. So, so well.

And now…

Her stomach knots in rage and pain as her cabbages cry out in agony and torment. She balls her fists, it isn’t fair. It isn’t right. She has worked so hard for this. This was supposed to be her moment. Her big breakthrough.

Azula screams again. This time she can feel the rage flowing through her, opening each and every one of her chipoints. The energy swells and surges until it overflows. Her eyes glow a vivid blue and the crowd steps back. 

All but Jet. 

Jet is a foolish man. 

When Azula enters the Farmer State, her power is unchecked and horribly deadly.

Large carrots and kumquats burst from the cracks in the ground. “You will suffer for destroying my cabbages.” Azula vows. But it isn’t just Azula speaking. It is also the souls of each and every deceased cabbage she has ever grown. They now lend her their unfathomable power. 

“Azula, don’t do this.” Jet calls up to her levitating form. “You’ll kill all of these people.”

“Ehhh...they were going to get burned to a crisp anyways!” Azula shrugs as she sends a sharpened carrot crashing down. It nearly impales the soldier. Instead strikes the ground creating a crater in the center of town.

“Azula, please!” He begs.

But the merchant is too far gone. This doesn’t stop him from drawing nearer to her. A deadly rain of jalapeno peppers fall all around, mercilessly pelting the crowd. 

Jet takes her hand. “Azula, I love you.” 

Azula shudders, no one has ever done that before. No one but her cabbages. 

“You don’t need your cabbages. You have me now.” He promises. “We could grow new cabbages. Better ones.”

“But what about the missed opportunity?” Azula frowns. 

Her eyes still glow, but her body falls. Jet takes her into his arms. “There will be new ones. Better ones. You’ve partnered with the Jasmine Dragon!”

The glow fades from her eyes, she feels so terribly small. “But this was supposed to be my moment.”

“This is your moment.” Jet gives a soft and warm smile. He cups her cheek and gives her a gentle kiss. “This is  _ our  _ moment.” 

The crowd gives another ‘awww’. The soldier grumbles to herself, for her boyfriend has just left her. 

Maybe Jet is right, maybe life isn’t only about growing and selling cabbages. Maybe there is more to it. Jet squeezes her hand as Ozai’s air fleet reaches Ba Sing Se. Azula is glad that she has gotten a taste of true affection before she meets her demise. 

Ozai steps further out onto the platform and takes a deep breath. He pulls out a megaphone, “princess Azula, it is time to end this foolishness.”

Azula groans to herself. 

“This has gone too far!”

She folds her arms over her chest. 

“Please come home, I am tired of the Cabbage Merchant, he is too needy!” 

“I am the Cabbage Merchant, father!” Azula declares. 

Ozai inhales sharply through his nose only and rubs an exasperated hand over his face. “You are the princess of the Fire Nation! You get on this airship right now and go to your room.”

“I will not.” Azula stands her ground. Jet slings his arm around her. She is a cabbage merchant now, this is her life!

Ozai claps his hands together and holds them to his mouth. “Okay, how about this. If you come home right now, I’ll let you keep your boyfriend.” 

Azula keeps her arms firmly crossed. “I am staying right here with my boyfriend and my flaming cabbage stall.” 

“Look, I’m sorry that I took your tank away, I might have overreacted a little.” Ozai gives in. “Please end this, whatever it is, and come home.”

Azula only offers him a smirk. 


End file.
